


Dreamcatcher

by lonesomewriter



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Coma, Fluff, Lucid Dreaming, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sleep Paralysis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2019-11-13 12:09:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 34,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18031481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonesomewriter/pseuds/lonesomewriter
Summary: “Yuuri,” Viktor repeated, his eyes shining. “That’s a beautiful name. Suits you.”Yuuri’s eyes went wide, but Viktor continued as if what he’d just said was completely normal and nothing grave at all. “Tell me, Yuuri, you said that this world is your creation? Then that means that to me, you are a God."In which Yuuri meets Viktor in a lucid dream, and begins to fall in love while questioning whether he can devote himself to someone who might be just a creation of his imagination. But maybe, just maybe, love can be stronger than the doubt...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my piece for the Viktuuri Fluff Bang 2019!!
> 
> I worked with the most amazing and talented Jemsauce who did the banner and the artwork (which will be published along with the second chapter), you can find her tumblr [here](https://jemsauce.tumblr.com/)

For as long as he could remember, Yuuri Katsuki had been a dreamer. He’d always loved the sensation of drifting asleep, of seeing all his surroundings shifting from reality to fantasy, a world of endless possibilities opening right before his eyes. Only when he was asleep he felt he was in complete charge of his own body and abilities, a feeling that soon became an addiction.

When he was twelve years old, he had his first lucid dream. He’d been lost in thoughts one boring day at school, and his teacher’s monotone voice explaining mathematical formulas he was already more than familiar with had lulled him to the verge of sleep as usual. Yuuri had smiled, dancing on that fine line between sleep and awake, his whole body and mind numb, when he’d suddenly felt tingling in his left arm.

He’d frowned, lifting his palm to his face, feeling the soft sparkling underneath his skin burn like an itch begging for scratching. He’d looked up to check the time, wondering how long he’d have until lunch break so that he’d be able to inspect his hand in full detail, and had frozen when he’d seen that the clock said it was already four in the afternoon.

Yuuri had snapped his head to the blackboard, looking at his teacher who seemed unbothered by the fact that they’d been at school for two hours extra. None of his classmates had noticed anything either, and Yuuri had found himself in a tricky situation; should he ask his teacher why they were still studying, or should he just stay quiet and suffer through the extra hours?

He had glanced at the clock once more, just to be certain he’d seen the time right, and his eyes had widened like saucers when he’d seen that the pointers had changed their place to eight in the morning.

His head had felt heavy when he’d raised his hand, asking his teacher if the clock was broken, and why it didn’t show the correct time. His teacher had laughed and continued teaching as if Yuuri had asked him the most ridiculous question, and Yuuri had turned back towards the clock, that now showed him it was twelve at night.

He had stood up from his chair, blinking rapidly, his eyes never leaving the clock that was now changing its numbers every time he opened his eyes. Yuuri had felt light, his feet tingling in the same way his arm had just a minute ago, the soft sparkles spreading through his entire body like fireworks. The whole situation had felt so surreal, almost as if he had been in a  _ dream _ while still awake somehow.

His teacher hadn’t reacted to his sudden breaking of the classroom etiquette in any way at all, and that had been the final sign that had made Yuuri realise that he was, in fact, asleep. His teacher was very strict, albeit not mean, and would never tolerate her students doing much anything without permission.

Yuuri had closed his eyes, hoping from the bottom of his heart he’d at least been somewhere else rather than at school if he was to sleep during class. Ordinary things were always so boring to dream of when there was a whole variety of fantastic places and worlds to visit.

And then he’d felt a strong breeze hitting his face.

His eyes had shot open, and he’d screamed aloud. Gone had been the classroom with its students and teacher, and instead Yuuri had found himself standing on top of the tallest building he’d ever seen in his entire life. The structure had been so high that all Yuuri had been able to see were clouds when he had walked to the edge, his heart beating out of his chest while his hands had sweated.

_ How on Earth had he managed to move from his seat in school to high up here? _

A wave of warmth had brushed gently over him, and Yuuri’s body had stopped shaking. He’d dropped his hands to his sides, tilting his head slowly as he’d looked at the sun rising above the sea of clouds, the scene stolen straight from that one painting in Mari’s room. Yuuri had felt all-surmountable calm washing over him, and he’d walked to the very edge of the building, his eyes never leaving the beautiful sun.

_ If this really is a dream _ , Yuuri had thought to himself, determined he was onto some ground-breaking discovery there,  _ then that means that nothing is impossible for me ever again. _

With that thought in his mind, he had spread his arms, cast his head up and jumped straight into the thick, orange-painted clouds. Instantly his stomach had turned upside down, the clouds swallowing him whole, the wind ringing in his ears as his vision had blurred when the thick mist surrounded him.

After a few seconds of plunging through the clouds he’d suddenly emerged through them, his home city unfolding underneath him like a picture from a holiday postcard. He’d stared at the tiny houses in awe for a moment, but as he had gained more and more speed his heartbeat had risen so high he had began twirling in the air uncontrollably, and had had to shut his eyes. That hadn’t helped the panic rising in the bottom of his stomach, and he’d begun screaming from the top of his lungs.

With a loud gasp, Yuuri had opened his eyes and found himself once again inside his classroom, all of his classmates staring at him with wide eyes. There had been a look of shock on his teacher’s face when she’d told Yuuri to go to the principal’s office after scolding him for sleeping in class. Yuuri had stayed silent the whole time, his mind racing a mile a minute as he had tried to understand just exactly what kind of a dream he’d seen.

It wasn’t until hours of Googling once he got home that Yuuri had found the term ‘lucid dreaming’, and was convinced he had seen one. Being able to learn more of it made Yuuri want nothing more than to dedicate all his free time into learning the right technique so that he could see a lucid dream whenever he desired.

Yes, you could say that Yuuri Katsuki had always been a dreamer, even more so once he begun mastering the art of lucid dreaming, but it wasn’t until way past his twenty-fourth birthday that he fully understood what it meant to dream.

*

The bright sound of laughter echoed in the wide field of daisies and forget-me-nots as Yuuri ran after Vicchan, his tiny poodle who’d escaped his leash to chase after the butterfly fluttering ahead of them. Yuuri’s heart was bursting out of his chest with the sight of his beloved companion jumping up and down, ears flopping and tongue hanging out of his mouth between the barks.

“Vicchan!” Yuuri called after him, not able to sound as scolding as he probably should have, but the small dog still turned his head up before obediently trotting back to his owner.

“Did you catch a butterfly?” Yuuri asked him, giggling when the small ball of fur pounced at his feet until he picked him up. “You’re such a good boy! The best boy!”

Yuuri showered the dog with tiny kisses, murmuring compliments to his ears as he began walking towards the hill rising in the midst of the flowery field. The Summer sun tingled on the bare skin of his arms, making warmth flush over his whole body as he walked. The air held the scent of daisies and freshly cut grass in it, and Yuuri was reminded of the days of his childhood, all carefree and happy.

He had created this field for the times when he needed to relax and forget whatever troubles reality thrusted upon him. To the bottom of the hill he had built a tiny cottage for him and Vicchan to spend their days in, and more often than not he found himself staying there rather than spending time with real life people.

When he’d first started seeing lucid dreams whenever he felt like it, he’d been seventeen years old. Before then he’d only managed to catch a snippet of one here and other there, and they’d never lasted long. When the hours upon hours of practising reality tests and proper sleeping technique had finally paid off, he had been exhilarated. Waking up after a whole night of exploring the world beyond Hasetsu had made him feel like the master of his own reality, as if he finally had control over his own life.

He’d spent the next weeks in dreamland, to the point of collapsing in school from the lack of sleep. His sister had scolded him after that, making him swear he’d keep his lucid dreaming to two hours per day at maximum, which Yuuri had reluctantly agreed to. He knew the toll sleep deprivation could have on his body, but having to tone his exploration down was heart-wrenching, to say the least.

He had been more careful after the incident, much to Mari’s happiness. He spend the next year exploring varying realms and fantasy worlds until deciding to settle into his own corner to the flower field, and the years after that were spent in perfecting the small place to suit his needs.

When Yuuri had left to Detroit for college, he’d nearly cried aloud when he’d found Vicchan waiting for him at the doorway of that tiny cottage, having already prepared to not seeing his dog in a long time. The idea of being able to seek comfort from him made the first year of college much more tolerable than it would’ve been without him.

Now, Yuuri reached the top of the hill and breathed in the warm summer air. He sat down to the picnic blanket, lowering Vicchan next to him before picking up a bottle of wine from the basket. He poured himself a decent amount of the red liquid before taking a sip, feeling happier than he’d been the whole week.

The exams were fast approaching, and Yuuri cherished every hour he could relax with burning passion. Recently he hadn’t got too much time for just himself, having a roommate who enjoyed socialising beyond anything and loved dragging Yuuri with him. It would’ve been nicer if Yuuri wasn’t more keen on spending time with his dog than trying to remember names and faces of people he had no intentions of interacting with after the party or whatever occasion was over.

He felt a bang in his chest whenever he remembered that this dog in his dreamland was not the real Vicchan, but merely a reflection of his memory of his best friend. It had been almost five years when he’d last seen his family, and he knew that he had no reason to avoiding his family except for the gnawing guilt inside his stomach, but it was enough to make him refrain from buying tickets to see them.

The fear of letting his parents down by failing to stand on his own two feet was eating him up, and his emotions were too conflicting for him to even begin to consider facing the disappointed looks on their faces when they’d realised how little success he’d made over the past years.

Yuuri sighed and closed his eyes, pushing the toxic thoughts to the back of his mind for now. Instead, he focused on listening to Vicchan’s steady breathing next to him, content that what he had here was enough for now. He’d go home for the next break, and this time it would be for real.

A loud bark came from the distance, and Yuuri’s eyes shot open. Had Vicchan ran off again? No, the small dog was still laying on the plush pillow, his head perked up and eyes looking at the direction where the sound had come from.

“What is it, Vicchan?” Yuuri asked more to himself than the dog, wondering if he was more exhausted than he’d originally thought. He chuckled at how his brain’s idea of relaxing was to create more dogs, as he was convinced he had created himself another dog to accompany him in his sanctuary. He couldn’t argue with his logic though, as dogs had always managed to make even the worst of his days better.

Another set of barks echoed through the hill, this time louder and closer than before. Vicchan rose from his spot, barking his answer to the mysterious newcomer. Soon enough Yuuri saw the brown ball of fur appearing amidst the flowers, a picture perfect copy of Vicchan if it wasn’t for the size of the dog. The sight warmed his heart, and Yuuri turned to look at the tiny dog next to him.

“It looks like you’ve got yourself a friend,” Yuuri smiled while rubbing his eyes, thinking how he should probably cut his dream short if his sleep deprivation made him create things he didn’t plan on beforehand. 

The dog was close enough for Yuuri to inspect in full detail, and he watched with adoration as Vicchan ran after her. The two dogs sniffed each other, tails wiggling back and forth, loud barks filling the air. Yuuri stretched his arms before going after them, his chest warming with the sight of the two chasing after each other. Maybe getting another dog in here hadn’t been a stupid idea after all…

The new dog stopped running for a second when she spotted Yuuri approaching them, but wasted no time in gaining back the speed when she hurried towards Yuuri. The japanese man let out a surprised screech when the weight of the poodle pressed against him, the movement bringing them both down to the grass with a loud thud.

“Well hello there!” Yuuri cooed at the precious dog, scratching his fur softly with both hands while the dog licked his face clean in swift motions. “Aren’t you a cute one? Who’s a cute dog? You’re a cute dog!”

Yuuri’s heart bursted with adoration when Vicchan joined them, forming a pile of bubbling happiness onto the flowery ground. 

“Makka!” a deep voice shouted from where the dog had came from, and all the blood stilled in Yuuri’s veins. He froze completely, the dogs on top of him unaware of the panic rising inside of him. 

_ Who on Earth had he brought here?  _ Yuuri thought, swallowing and forcing his mind to calm down before his mental state could affect the environment in any ways. Yuuri had had his fair share of sleep paralysis to fear them with his life, and he knew panicking while in a lucid dream was the surest way to find himself in one. 

_ Whoever they are,  _ Yuuri reasoned,  _ they can’t change the fact that I’m the master of my own dreams.  _

“Makkachin!” the voice had gotten so close Yuuri was certain he could see the person it belonged to if he lifted his head from the ground, but found himself locked to the place.

The big poodle stopped licking Yuuri's face and lifted his head up, ears perking when the man called after her again. She barked, jumping off of Yuuri’s lap, and with one huge leap disappeared behind the sea of flowers.

Yuuri sat up slowly, cupping Vicchan to his arms and pressing him softly against his heart, the small puppy making his raging heart calm down significantly. He counted to ten, and after he felt himself calm enough to face the man who’d intruded the only hours of relaxation in his hectic life, he rose to his feet and looked at the direction the dog had went to.

A soft breeze brushed over the flowers, the golden rays of sunlight illuminating the entire hill with hues of red, painting the world of Yuuri’s dreams just as astounding as Yuuri had intended. And there, in the middle of the hill, stood the most breathtakingly beautiful man Yuuri had ever laid his eyes upon.

The man had long hair the colour of purest silver sparkling in the bright sun, and it flowed freely in the soft wind as the man laughed and tilted his head, his heart in the shape of a heart. The man was wearing a white poet shirt and the tightest jeans possible, and Yuuri found himself unable to tear his eyes away from him.

The dog that had just a minute ago been invading Yuuri’s space was now at the man’s feet, jumping towards Yuuri’s direction as if he was trying to get the man to follow him. The man said something to the dog before beginning to walk towards Yuuri, not taking his eyes off the brown dog for a second.

When he reached the spot Yuuri was standing in, his entire being stopped. It felt as if the air had gotten a few temperatures colder when the man’s hair stopped moving along with his clothes, and Yuuri’s hand reached involuntarily towards the man to make him sparkle again.

The man gasped when Yuuri’s hand pressed ever so softly against his arm, and his eyes shot up to meet Yuuri’s. The shade of an ice cold ocean met the brown of Yuuri’s eyes, and all coherent thoughts left Yuuri’s mind.

“ _ Who are you? _ ” Yuuri found himself asking, his voice barely above whisper as he studied the mysterious man in front of him. Surely his brain couldn’t have come up with someone as handsome as him? Yuuri knew he would most certainly remember if he had seen this man before, and came to the conclusion he must be some model he’d only seen for a second in passing some day.

_ That’s all it needs, a second, for a face to be used in a dream, _ Yuuri thought, letting his hand drop from the man’s sleeve.  _ Of course he isn’t real. They never are. _

The man asked in what sounded to be russian, confusion clear in his thick voice. Yuuri’s face heated up under the intensity of the gaze the man was staring at him, even though he had no idea what the man had said to him. All that was in his mind was a simple thought:  _ How could anyone be so handsome? _

“I asked you, what -” the man begun in a heavily accented English, but stopped abruptly. He looked at Vicchan pressed safely against Yuuri’s chest, and his face softened. “Nevermind that. Who’s this lovely little doggo?”

“Uhm,” Yuuri said eloquently, a strange sensation building up inside him as he looked from the man to Vicchan and back again, wondering whether he should trust the man or not. He decided telling his dog’s name wasn’t particularly harmful, and his smile was a little forced as he answered, switching to English, too. “He’s Vicchan.”

“What a lovely name!” the man beamed, offering his hand for the small poodle to inspect. “Aren’t you a cutie?”

Yuuri watched in confusion as the man continued speaking in that strange language to his dog. He couldn’t shake off the jarring feeling that he wasn’t actually controlling the conversation like he usually did whenever he tried speaking with people in his dreams. And normally he was able to speak japanese with everyone he wanted, but somehow he and this strange man had a language barrier between them.

“I’m sorry, but what are you doing in my dream?”

The man’s hand stopped in Vicchan’s fur, and the small dog licked his fingers in demand of more rubs. Instead of giving them, the man’s brows furrowed as he looked at Yuuri in confusion. “I’m sorry - what did you say?”

“What are you doing in my dream?” Yuuri repeated, watching intently at the man’s expression for any sliver of explanation of what he was doing here, and if he was some creation of Yuuri’s mind or not. If he was, Yuuri would need to start appreciating his imagination more, for there was no way he could come up with something so perfect as the man staring at him in wonderment.  _ Even his skin is immaculate, and white as snow _ …

“This is your dream?” the man sounded even more confused than before, and Yuuri related to his confusion with great depth. “You’re not joking, are you?”

“Why would I? I mean, you really can’t be created by my imagination, can you?” Yuuri asked, not knowing what he was trying to achieve by saying that. It wasn’t as if anything the man would say could change the fact that for all Yuuri knew, his subconscious mind was playing tricks with him all along. But something in the genuine concern in the man’s voice made Yuuri want to sort this out not only for his own sanity, but for the man’s, too.

“You see, I’m in a lucid dream right now,” Yuuri decided he could try to explain the situation for the man, and maybe then he could figure out if he was out of his mind or not. “I didn’t imagine you here, so I want to know where you came from.”

“What is a lucid dream?” the man asked, sitting down to the picnic blanket that was still laying on the ground. He took the bottle of wine Yuuri had opened earlier, digging a glass from the basket and pouring himself a little to drink.

“Uh, it’s a, this uhm,” Yuuri stuttered, not knowing where to even begin explaining the entire concept of lucid dreaming to this strange man currently sipping the vintage wine Yuuri had poorly tried to create, never having been much of a wine drinker himself.

“Not bad,” the man hummed, his dog curled on top of Vicchan’s pillow. Yuuri stared at them for a moment, not knowing if he should just try to wake himself up before the situation got out of hand.

The man looked up at him as if waiting for him to talk, and Yuuri got the weird feeling he wasn’t in a lucid dream any longer, but in an ordinary one. But if he was in a normal dream, he wouldn’t be able to make cake appear to his hand. He looked down, his heart skipping a beat when he saw a piece of sachér cake in a plate in his hand.

“Is everything alright?” the man asked, his eyebrows knitted together in confusion, and Yuuri laughed almost manically at him, his head still trying to get a grip of what was going on.

“Alright? Nothing is alright!” Yuuri blurted, his chest tightening and breath growing short as he hurried the words out of his mouth. “This is my dream! Everything in here is created by me,  _ for me _ , I’ve been perfecting my self control for  _ years _ , and now you’re here! You’re disturbing my peace! I don’t want you here!” he screamed, throwing his hands in the air in frustration, the cake long forgotten as it fell from his hands to the ground. “And besides, I don’t even know who you are!”

As Yuuri’s pitch grew higher and higher, the landscape around them changing the more frantic his voice got. The flowers snatched in half, the petals floating to the air as the sky turned from light blue to a deep scarlet, the grass burning to ashes as black spikes begun spiraling from the ground in rapid motions. Yuuri gasped when he felt his body taking off from the ground, and wasn’t surprised by the slightest when he saw fat tears floating from his eyes and out into the now flaming sky.

The silver haired man rose from the ground, and grabbed Yuuri by the wrist. His eyes reflected the flames above, face solemn.

“I’m Viktor Nikiforov, and you’re going to listen to me now,” the man, - Viktor - stated calmly, his voice leaving no room for objections. Not that Yuuri could’ve spoken even if he’d wanted to, his throat too dry, and no coherent thoughts in his mind. “I have no idea who you are either, but we can fix that later by proper conversation. For now we’ll need to make you calm down, so please, if you’d tell me your name?”

“Yuuri,” Yuuri whispered, his breathing slowing down when Viktor’s face broke into a soft smile, his hand pressing circles to the japanese man’s palms.

“Yuuri,” Viktor repeated, his eyes shining. “That’s a beautiful name. Suits you.”

Yuuri’s eyes went wide, but Viktor continued as if what he’d just said was completely normal and nothing grave at all. “Tell me, Yuuri, you said that this world is your creation? Then that means that to me, you are a God.”

For a second, Yuuri forgot how to breathe. His eyes filled with tears, and he felt his body collapse from the sky and onto Viktor’s outstretched arms, and he clung onto the soft fabric of his clothes like his life depended on it. Viktor wrapped his arms around him, supporting his weight as if he was as light as a feather.

“It’s going to be okay,” Viktor whispered, and planted a kiss to Yuuri’s forehead. Yuuri shuddered, tearing himself away from Viktor’s embrace. He took a look at his surroundings, blinking when he realised the field of flowers was gone and he was standing at a beach, a flock of gulls screeching in the distance.

“Where are we?” Yuuri asked when he took notice of the silhouette of a city behind them. “I’ve never been here before…”

He knew he couldn’t create a place like this in such a short time with the mental state he was in, and the only other option was that the place came from Viktor’s mind. The other man smiled at him, and Yuuri would’ve told him he was beautiful if Vicchan hadn’t chosen the moment to start barking at the seagulls flying past them.

Yuuri looked at his dog, who chased after the birds with Makkachin by his side, his heart tightening in his chest when he remembered how he’d freaked out just moments ago, having completely forgotten his dog for a good couple of minutes.

“St. Petersburg,” Viktor said, his eyes following the dogs. “I grew up here. It’s been a while since I’ve been here for real.”

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri’s voice was strained, the embarrassment from his outburst beginning to creep into his stomach. He fingered the hem of his shirt and cast his eyes to the sand, letting his hair fall to cover his eyes. He heard Viktor shifting beside him, but stepped backwards when the man tried to touch his hand.

“Yuuri,” Viktor whispered, not chasing after Yuuri for which the japanese man was grateful. “There’s nothing to apologise for.”

Yuuri shook his head, having known before he’d said anything that Viktor wouldn’t get it. It wasn’t a question of whether there was something to apologise or not, but that Yuuri felt the  _ need  _ to apologise nevertheless, and wouldn’t get peace before he did.

“I shouldn’t have reacted that way,” Yuuri insisted, inching slowly towards the water line, sticking his toes into the warm water. Viktor followed him, keeping a fair distance between the two of them.

“It’s understandable,” Viktor said, picking a stone from the sand and tossing it to the suddenly still water. The stone pounced four times before sinking, and Viktor nodded and tossed another before turning to look at Yuuri, the blue of the water matching his sparkling eyes. “But I have to admit that I’m curious of the situation. You said you are dreaming right now… Does that mean you can wake up?”

Yuuri frowned with the question.  _ Wasn’t that what dreaming meant? _ “Yes, I can wake up. Actually, my alarm will probably go off soon, and then I’ll be gone.”

Viktor looked miserable for a split second, but morphed his face into a careless smile before turning back towards the water, tossing yet another stone with more force than before, only managing to make it bounce once.

“I see.”

“Can you?” Yuuri sensed how the atmosphere between the two of them had grown thick when the air surrounding them grew more pressing. Viktor’s shoulders tensed, and somehow Yuuri knew what his answer would be.

“Will you come back?” Viktor said instead, not looking at Yuuri as he threw more stones into the now roaring waves. Yuuri felt a sudden urge to touch the man, to tell him that it would be okay, and that of course he’d come back, but he knew he couldn’t lie to save his life.

“I don’t know,” he said after a minute, crouching down to scratch Vicchan, who’d just given up trying to catch the bird, Makkachin chasing the waves in the distance. Yuuri stole a glance at Viktor, and felt horrible when he saw how small the man looked, staring into the ocean as if he was completely alone in this Earth.

“I’ll be back in a week, I just don’t know if you’ll be here anymore,” Yuuri felt the need to explain himself better. He wanted to see Viktor smile again, to lift those sagging shoulders back up and hear the ring of his laughter once more. He didn’t know if what he wanted was selfish, but he didn’t want to let Viktor go when he’d only just met him, no matter if he was just a fragment of his own imagination, or something far greater than neither of them could even begin to understand.

“I’ll be here,” Viktor said firmly, finally turning to look at Yuuri again. There was a fire behind his eyes, and Yuuri’s stomach turned at the intensity of that gaze directed at him. “I’ll wait for you.”

Yuuri was just about to open his mouth to answer when he heard the sound of his alarm going off, a new kind of panic rising inside him. His eyes dilated when he surged towards Viktor, stretching his arm out when the beach started fading around him as the ceiling of his room in Detroit became clearer and clearer.

“Please, Viktor, wait for me!” he screamed, his finger’s just barely brushing the tips of Viktor’s when he woke up with a gasp, the beach in St. Petersburg disappearing from his vision as the sound of his alarm’s screech hit his ears with full force.

Yuuri shut the clock and put his hands to cover his face, groaning in frustration.  _ Why did the stupid alarm have to ring now? _

“Is everything okay?” Yuuri heard his roommate, Phichit Chulanont, enter his room and open the lights. Yuuri kept his arms on his face, refusing to look at the thai man who hopped on top of his bed, chuckling softly at Yuuri.

“I heard you screaming and thought there was something wrong,” Yuuri could hear the smile in Phichit’s voice, and peaked his eye through his fingers to see the man’s face only inches away from his own. “But it seems like someone is just his usual cranky self. Was the dream good?”

Yuuri had reluctantly shared his weird hobby with his roommate after the boy, being noisy to a fault as he was, had started questioning Yuuri’s strange sleeping schedule during their first months sharing a flat. It had been over four years ago now, and Yuuri was way more comfortable around his now best friend than he had been back then.

“I met someone,” Yuuri said, knowing there was no way he could keep it a secret from his friend, who put CIA to shame with his frighteningly accurate investigation skills.

Phichit let out a nearly inhumane screech, clapping his hands together in glee, his face lighting up to rival the sun itself. “Yuuri! No wonder you are so pissed! They must’ve looked so good… I’m so proud you’ve finally taken my advice and taken your dreams to a good use! Tell me, was it some celebrity?”

“It wasn’t like that,” Yuuri muttered, feeling self-conscious by his inability to move from under Phichit’s weight pinning him to the bed. His friend seemed unbothered by this, grinning widely at Yuuri while shaking his head in disagreement.

“Yuuri, that’s not fair!” he pouted, looking weirdly adorable with how his cheeks puffed when he pulled his mouth downwards. “I always tell you everything about my wet dreams!”

“But I’ve never asked for those!” Yuuri screeched, blushing when he remembered the way too detailed dream Phichit had told him about just a couple of months ago. “I don’t want them!”

“Aw, you’re fooling no one,” Phichit laughed, finally hopping off from top of Yuuri, letting the man free from under his weight. “Everyone loves to hear about me having some sweet time with the hot teacher from the sketching class!”

Yuuri shuddered and shook his head, wanting to erase the image of Phichit doing  _ that _ with anyone out of his mind as fast as possible. He tossed his blanket off, rubbing his hair and yawning before rising from the bed and beginning to make his way towards the bathroom. “I’m going to grab a shower.”

“Have fun!”

Yuuri stuck his tongue at his friend, and disappeared into the shower, wasting no time getting under the cold ray of water. He closed his eyes when the first drops hit his back, his mind wandering to Viktor and the beach.

_ Why had the man been there?  _ Yuuri didn’t know what to think, the possibilities appearing and fading endlessly in his head.  _ Was he real, or just his imagination? _

Yuuri sighed, and decided all he could do was to wait until next Saturday to find out if the man was waiting for him.

_ But even if he is there, he could still be the creation of your imagination _ .

Yuuri pushed the thought to the back of his mind, not wanting to fuel it at all. Even though all reason told him Viktor wasn’t a real person, that there was no way he could be, Yuuri found himself refusing to believe he was merely a product of his own mind.

He stepped out of the shower after ten minutes, thinking to himself that the most probable reason was that he was severely sleep deprived. He looked in the mirror, the dark circles under his eyes more prominent under the fluorescent lights. He sighed and turned his head away, his mind slipping back to the one thought he’d had ever since he’d laid his eyes on Viktor.

_ I could never create something so beautiful. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The art is here!! It's so beautiful, Jemsauce did a great job ~

The week slugged forward as if Yuuri was walking in tar, and by the time Friday came by, he was completely done waiting. His teacher had assigned a new project for the weekend, and Yuuri knew he should leave lucid dreaming out of the picture if he wanted to keep his grade where he wanted it to be. But just the thought of not getting to see Viktor made his stomach turn upside down.

He didn’t know what exactly it was that drew himself closer to the silver haired man. It wasn’t as if he had left a huge impression on him, as their first meeting had been very fleeting. But whatever the reason, Yuuri had still spend most of his lectures sketching images of Viktor in his notebooks, trying and failing to capture the ethereal beauty the man was.

Yuuri hated the way Viktor had managed to infiltrate his thoughts in such a short period of time, but at the same time, he yearned to meet him again. He couldn’t wait to see his dog again, and ask him who he was and how he’d found his way into Yuuri’s dreams.

And so when he left the campus on that Friday afternoon, he had only one goal in his mind; to get back home as quickly as possible, finish his assignment before midnight, and then, fall into a lucid dream and meet Viktor again.

He opened the front door, the smell of curry hitting his nose as he stepped inside the house. He moaned aloud, knowing that Phichit’s cookings were the closest thing to Heaven he could get. He made a beeline to the kitchen while taking his jacket off, his mouth salivating when he saw his roommate standing by the stove, just about to finish cooking.

Phichit turned and smiled when he saw Yuuri slumping towards the table. “You chose the perfect moment to arrive,” he said, getting two plates from the top shelf and putting them onto the table. “The food’s about ready. How was school?”

“The usual,” Yuuri muttered, getting his computer out of his bag, opening a new document and copying the instructions to the first page before opening a couple of new tabs. “Feltsman is a monster.”

“Oh, he is,” Phichit hummed, putting some rice and curry to Yuuri’s plate before pouring him a glass of water. “No one else grades as strictly as him, or gives such a stupid and pointless essays to write with such a little time to finish. Did you know his wife got a divorce of him just last year? She apparently got fed up with him and ran off with some younger dude from Canada. Can you believe?”

“I don’t think it’s a wonder if you’ve met the man,” Yuuri sighed, cursing aloud when he saw the minimum word count.  _ One day is not nearly enough to finish this _ . “He’s a real pain in the ass, and to top it all, his views are from the Middle Ages. I can’t believe Detroit University could ever hire someone like him.”

“Well, it must have something to do with his father,” Phichit said, shaking his head with resentment. “He is the cofounder of that one Russian facility that funds nearly fifth of our school’s expenses. Sucks dick, but what can you do.”

How Phichit knew all this, Yuuri had no idea. But judging from his experience with the thai boy, he was probably right. Yuuri shook his head and stretched his neck before writing down the first line, determined to get as much as possible done before the night.

*

It was already dark outside when Yuuri was halfway finished with the essay, and Phichit came to tell him to keep a break for the sake of his mental health.

“You still have tomorrow and Sunday to do that, better not burn all your energy on the first day,” Phichit had said, and Yuuri had nothing to argue with his logic. He found himself on the couch a few minutes later with a bowl of chips and a movie in front of him, and an overly enthusiastic Phichit explaining how he’d been dying to see the movie for the whole week.

They started watching it, and Yuuri felt grateful for his best friend for making him forget the assignment for a moment. He laughed whenever Phichit gave obscure comments of the plot or the actors’ poor skills. It had been a while since they’d had the time to really be together, and Yuuri finally found himself able to relax after a week of not being able to take his mind off school or Viktor.

“I think I’m going to head to bed now,” Yuuri said when the ending credits rolled in. There was a bubble of excitement growing inside his chest as he realised now was finally the moment to see Viktor again. Phichit threw a knowing look at him, nodding slowly as he rose from the couch.

“Have a nice dream!”

Yuuri chuckled, his steps light as he hurried towards the bathroom. He washed himself with lightning speed, slipping into his pyjamas before shutting the lights. He pulled the covers over himself, getting comfortable as he began to clear his mind to prepare for the lucid dream.

After what felt like an eternity, the smell of flowers hit Yuuri’s nose, and the japanese man smiled. Vicchan’s happy barks got louder and louder in his ears, and soon enough the dog brushed against his legs. Yuuri felt him hopping onto his stomach, the contact making his skin prickle. He opened his eyes slowly, getting used to the tingling of his limbs, knowing that any fast movements would make him nauseous for a while.

“Well hello there,” he cooed, rubbing his dog’s fur before slowly standing up, the scenery getting more clear and sharp as he got used to it. “Have you been a good dog while I was gone?”

“He has been the best dog,” Viktor’s voice spoke from behind Yuuri, startling him. Yuuri snapped his head to see the silvery haired man standing right before his eyes, even more beautiful than Yuuri had remembered him being. The man tilted his head, flashing Yuuri a heart-shaped smile. “You came back.”

“Of course I did,” Yuuri answered, slightly out of breath. “I said I would. Did you not believe me?”

Viktor didn’t answer him, but instead picked a bluebell from the ground, inspecting it for a moment before smiling. He walked over to Yuuri, brushing his hair softly as he put the flower behind Yuuri’s ear. “There. The colour suits you.”

Yuuri blushed when he felt Viktor’s delicate fingers against his ear, forgetting what he had been about to ask when his skin tickled from where the other had touched him. Viktor just grinned at him, lifting his eyes to look at the small cabin at the bottom of the hill.

“Should we go inside?” Viktor asked, taking Yuuri’s hand to his own, squeezing it lightly before guiding him towards the cottage. “We’ve got a lot to talk about.”

Yuuri nodded, letting himself be pulled towards the small house he had spend a good part of the past years building and perfecting. He saw Makkachin sleeping on the perch as Vicchan hopped up the steps, happy and carefree as he always was in Yuuri’s dreams.

“Your dog is such a cutie,” Viktor said when they reached the cabin, crouching down to scratch Vicchan behind the ear. “He is just like a miniature Makkachin.”

“He is the cutest,” Yuuri said, following Viktor down to shower his dog with scratches. “I got him when I was eleven years old, and he’s always been by my side ever since.”

“It must be nice having him there when you wake up,” Viktor said, and Yuuri’s fingers stilled. Viktor seemed to notice there was something off about Yuuri, and understandment flashed behind his eyes. “Oh, I’m so sorry. Is he…”

“No, he’s not -” Yuuri felt a lump in his throat, and choked when Vicchan lifted his head and started licking his face, as if sensing Yuuri’s discomfort. “It’s just, I haven’t seen him in years.”

“That must be painful,” Viktor said, his tone even. Yuuri nodded, not trusting himself to say anything in fear of breaking into tears.

They moved inside the cottage in silence, Yuuri’s words hanging above them like some toxic gas, making them unable to breathe correctly. Yuuri felt as if one wrong movement would make the whole room explode, and kept his distance to Viktor, wondering why the tension between them was so thick.

“Do you want some tea?” Viktor asked, and put the kettle to the stove when Yuuri nodded. He prepared them both a cup of green tea and put them to the table, gesturing Yuuri to sit down before looking at him, his expression unreadable. “Well, I have some questions to ask you if it’s okay?”

Yuuri nodded. “I have some myself, too.”

“Last week, you said to me you were dreaming, that we are in your dream here,” Viktor said slowly, as if weighing his words carefully, fondling the cup in his hands. “How does that work? I mean, if this is a dream, how can you do all that stuff…”

“Uhm,” Yuuri stared at Viktor, wondering how to begin explaining everything to him. “It’s kind of hard to define… Are you familiar with the term ‘lucid dreaming’?”

Viktor shook his head, his eyes sparkling with interest as Yuuri struggled to find words to explain the vast world of dreaming. “Uhm, I really don’t know where to begin… Have you ever seen a dream that felt so real that when you woke up you felt as if you’d never even been asleep in the first place? Like, have you seen, for an example, a dream where you wake up and go to work, or just live your life normally, only to wake up in reality and realise your alarm hasn’t even gone off yet?”

“Ah, I think I have?” Viktor said after a while, his forehead wrinkled in thought as he tried to refresh his memory. “Once, when I was younger, I had this dream where I drowned, but woke up gasping for air in my bed. I can still remember the feeling of the water filling my lungs when I coughed in huge amounts of water. It was mad realistic…”

“Great! I mean, it’s not great that you dreamed of drowning,” Yuuri felt his cheeks grow hot, but luckily Viktor didn’t seem too bothered by his lack of tact. “But uhm, you basically have experienced lucid dream without realising it. The term basically means a dream where you know you’re in a dream, and can gain control of it. It's in the name, a dream that is vivid…”

“But how does that work?” Viktor asked, the curiosity clear on his face. Yuuri smiled at him, feeling strangely intrigued to have someone interested in this huge part of his passion in life.

“First, you’ll need to be able to distinguish real life from dream, and become familiar with how it feels like when you’re asleep and dreaming. There are these so called reality tests you can perform, and you must do them all the time,” Yuuri said taking a sip from his tea, hoping he was explaining things so that Viktor would get them. “They include checking the time, as when you’re dreaming your brain can’t keep up with numbers or letters, and that’s why the time can change whenever you check it. And counting your fingers, then shaking your hand and counting them again is something I’ve found helpful, as in dreams the amount of fingers I have can change, which is pretty wild.”

He paused, looking around the small kitchen while trying to figure the best way to continue. He glanced at Viktor, who was staring at him intently, taking in every word he said as if they were the key to secret of living.

“What do you do once you’re sure you’re in a dream?”

“Well, then it’s up to you,” Yuuri answered, giving Viktor a reassuring smile. “You’ll need to constantly remind yourself you’re in a dream and not awake, so that you don’t accidentally fall asleep. And you should be careful not to do anything to startle or scare yourself, for that might wake you up and cause a sleep paralysis, and trust me, those are no fun.”

“Sleep paralysis?” there was confusion in Viktor’s voice, and Yuuri took a deep breath.

“You know what sleepwalking is?” Yuuri asked, and continued when Viktor nodded. “When you’re sleepwalking, it means your mind is asleep but your body is awake. You can move as if you’d be awake, but since your mind is sleeping, you’re not aware of what you’re doing. Sleep paralysis is the opposite of that.”

“How?”

“When you experience sleep paralysis, your body is asleep but mind awake, which means you have no control over your body as it is in the same moveless, limp state as when you’re asleep. That’s why it has the word paralysis in the name,” Yuuri explained, his voice shaking when the memory of his first time experiencing the phenomenon came flashing to his mind. He had to shake his head to get the piercing, red eyes and all-consuming weight crushing his bones out of his head before he could continue talking.

“When you can’t move any part of your body but your mind is awake and fully aware of what’s happening, you can easily panic and feel trapped inside your own body. When you’re in that state, your mind can start hallucinating and see, taste, hear and even  _ feel  _ things that aren’t really there.”

Yuuri wondered whether he should continue, but decided it would be best if he did. “Every time I’ve had one, I’ve felt this pressure on my stomach, as if someone had been sitting on top of me, and a couple of times I’ve even seen -”

He choked, remembering the dark creature smiling crookedly at him, and his blood ran cold.

Viktor jerked in his chair, but remained steady, his knuckles growing white with how tightly he was holding onto his teacup. Yuuri shuddered, the air around the room suddenly too thick for him, and he rose from the chair and rushed to the door and out of the house.

He collapsed on the perch, inhaling the fresh air while letting his eyes rest on the endless field of flowers, willing his heart to stop beating so violently in his chest. He laughed restrainedly when Vicchan hopped to his lap, with Makkachin following behind to lick his hand.

“I’m sorry,” Viktor whispered, having followed Yuuri to the yard. “I - I don’t know what to say.”

Yuuri shook his head, burying himself in Makkachin’s soft fur in an attempt to calm himself down. “You don’t have to apologise or say anything. It’s just - I’ve had to experience sleep paralysis far too many times for my liking. But if seeing them means I can have my dreams, I won’t complain. And besides, they usually last only up to a minute or so.”

Yuuri left out the part where they never felt so short, but more like hours. He didn’t want to worry Viktor too much, so he lifted his face and smiled at the man weakly. “It’s basically a panic attack with some side effects.”

“That sounds so horrible,” Viktor said, sitting down next to Yuuri, scratching Vicchan softly while searching Yuuri’s eyes for something.

“It is,” Yuuri admitted. “And what makes it worse is that when I had them for the first time, I had no idea what was happening. I thought I was dying, I’d never felt such fear.”

Viktor put his hand to Yuuri’s shoulder and squeezed it gently. Yuuri leaned to the warmth radiating from the touch, and hummed contently.

“Why don’t you come back here every day?” Viktor asked him after they’d been sitting in the comfortable silence long enough for Yuuri’s heart to completely still.

“Well, it’s only because when you’re lucid dreaming you’re not really dreaming, you know? Your mind is awake and thus your brain is not getting the rest it needs, and if you only see lucid dreams it has the same effect to your body as if you hadn’t slept at all.”

“Oh,” Viktor said, sounding disappointed for some reason.

“When I first started seeing regular lucid dreams, I ended up collapsing at school and needed hospitalisation when my body couldn’t keep up with the lack of sleep,” Yuuri chuckled, the memory so fresh in his mind as if it had just happened yesterday. “After that had happened, my sister made me vow I wouldn’t overdo this.”

“But why only one night at week?” Viktor insisted, his eyes cast to the flowery fields, his brows greased in concentration. Yuuri wondered why this was so important to Viktor, but chose to answer without prying.

“I’m in college at the moment, and there’s just no time for more dreaming. I need every hour of sleep I can get as it is already.”

Viktor seemed dissatisfied with the answer, but didn’t press on it. “What are you studying?”

“My major is in illustration,” Yuuri answered, remembering the cursed essay he would need to finish when he’d woke up. “I love painting and drawing.”

“Would you like to paint me?” Viktor asked, turning to look at Yuuri. The japanese blushed heavily under the passionate look on the slender face, and stuttered before nodding and casting his head down to his lap, where Vicchan had fallen asleep.

“At some point, yes,” Yuuri muttered, not telling Viktor he had already drawn his face numerous times on the corners of his notebooks. “But there was still something I would like to ask you.”

“Go ahead, then,” Viktor’s voice didn’t betray any of his emotions, and Yuuri wondered how he felt.  _ Was Viktor nervous? Calm? Something else? _

“Where did you come from?”

“Russia.”

“Huh?” Yuuri was taken aback from the one-word answer, and he turned his head up to meet Viktor’s eyes, but found the man avoiding looking at him.

“I was born in St Petersburg,” Viktor said, his head tilted so that his hair covered his face, and Yuuri was unable to read the expression on his face. “I told you that last time.”

“No, I meant, how can you be in my dream?”

“Must be a miracle.”

Viktor rose from the perch, cooing at Makkachin before hopping with her to the grass, his hair shining in the golden sunlight. He was smiling brightly when he turned to look at Yuuri, all traces of possible discomfort brushed off his face.

“Are you coming?” he asked, and Yuuri stood up, cooping Vicchan to his arms carefully as not to wake him up, and followed Viktor to the feet of the hill, enjoying the silence that had fallen between the two of them.

“I want to show you something,” Viktor said, walking closer to Yuuri with Makkachin following at his feet. “When is your alarm going off?”

“I didn’t put one on this time.”

The way Viktor’s smile widened made Yuuri’s heart flutter in his chest, and he eagerly took the hand Viktor offered him.

“Great!” the Russian said, squeezing Yuuri’s hand tightly. “Just say when you’re ready.”

Yuuri let Vicchan down, kissing his forehead before nodding at Viktor. “I think I’m ready.”

Viktor’s smile made Yuuri thought of how he would probably never get used to the beauty the heart-shape radiated around it. He gasped when Viktor wrapped his arm around his waist, pulling him closer to his body as their feet took off from the ground, and they began rising up from the flowery ground.

“Vi - Viktor!” Yuuri shivered, his stomach turning as the ground beneath them got smaller and smaller. “I don’t like this, I’ve never been good at this - I’m - I’m going to fall -”

“Hush, Yuuri, it’s alright,” Viktor whispered to his ear, his deep voice making shivers run down Yuuri’s spine. Or maybe it was the height. “Don’t look at the ground. Look at me instead.”

Yuuri tore his eyes off the ground, and focused on Viktor’s face. The silver haired man was already staring at him, the sparkling of his blue eyes rivaling the stars now visible in the darkening sky. Yuuri felt his heartbeat quicken, and this time he was certain it had nothing to do with the heights.

“Where are you taking me?” Yuuri whispered when he could no longer see the Earth below him.

“I want to show you the universe,” Viktor answered, and pulled Yuuri even closer to his body, until the japanese could hear his heart beating in his chest, the soft thumping matching his own. It calmed Yuuri down better than any words ever could, and he found his eyes drawing shut with the sweet melody of the moment.

“We’re here,” Viktor crooned after they’d been slowly rising higher and higher up in the sky, and Yuuri opened his eyes.

He let out a gasp, as a magnificent explosion of all the shades of purple and pink unfolded before his eyes, accompanied by the millions and millions of stars sparkling in the space. Wherever Yuuri looked, all he could see was space dust, the glittery colours illuminating the sky, closing him and Viktor into a soft embrace.

Yuuri turned his head towards Viktor, his heart soaring when he saw the purple spirals reflected in his irises. Viktor squeezed his hand softly before letting go of him, and Yuuri floated in the air as if he was swimming.

“Viktor,” he whispered, his body turning slowly towards the colourful explosion right in front of him, and everywhere he looked, he saw stars. “It’s so beautiful…”

“It is, isn’t it?”

Yuuri stared at the beauty before him, and found himself more calm than he’d felt for a long while. His eyes watered up when he thought at how utterly gorgeous the universe was, and how grateful he was to be able to be a part of that wonder.

His eyes searched for Viktor, and his body surged towards the man when he spotted him. Viktor smiled softly at him, taking his stretched hands to his own, holding onto him tightly. Yuuri no longer stared at the stars, his eyes only having room for the silver haired man.

“You said you could do anything in here,” Viktor said, staring back at Yuuri as if he would disappear if he turned his eyes off of him. “I wanted you to see the stars, Yuuri.”

Yuuri’s heart fluttered in his chest, and he wondered how any living person could make him feel the way Viktor did. It had taken Phichit months to get Yuuri to talk about something else than mere pleasantries, yet here Yuuri was, feeling a magnetic pull in his chest connecting him to the man floating in front of him.

“They’re beautiful,” Yuuri answered, the sight of Viktor’s long hair floating around them making him feel slightly out of breath. He looked so astounding Yuuri didn’t know how to handle it all.

“They are,” Viktor answered, his eyes never leaving Yuuri’s. “I’ve fet adoration towards space ever since I was just a small child.”

Yuuri nodded, loving how weightless he felt. He closed his eyes, feeling comfort knowing Viktor was there with him. “This feels like I’m swimming without getting wet.”

Viktor chuckled, and Yuuri opened his eyes, the swirling galaxies around him taking his breath away.

“It’s so peaceful in here, isn't it?”

Yuuri opened his mouth to answer, but suddenly the space around him begun flowing as if it was made of water. Yuuri felt his body lowering towards the edge of that water, the water turning him heavy when it made contact with his body. He looked at Viktor for answer, but saw the other man floating farther and farther away from him. Yuuri yelled after him, trying to fight his body sinking below the surface as the realisation of what was happening hit him.

“Viktor! Viktor, please don’t leave me!” he shouted at him, stretching his arm towards the man, but Viktor had already drifted way too far away for him to grasp.

“Yuuri,” Viktor’s voice was barely audible over the flashing of the water as Yuuri desperately tried to fight his body from sinking under. “Come back for me next week? Please come back, Yuuri.”

Yuuri wanted to tell Viktor that he wasn’t going to leave him, that he’d be back right away, but just as he opened his mouth to scream after him, his head dipped below the water. His lungs immediately swelled from all the water he inhaled, dark dots spotting his vision from the force of it. The purple spirals of stardust dimmed before him as he sunk deeper and deeper into the dark water, and soon enough only the black void remained to cloud his eyes.

Yuuri woke up with a gasp, the darkness that surrounded him so pressing he couldn’t draw a breath, his lungs still filled with imaginary water. He jumped off the bed and turned the lights on, cursing when waves of cold sweat washed over his body as his knees failed under him and he fell to the hard floor with a loud thud.

_ Why had he woken up so violently? Why couldn’t he have stayed with Viktor? _

His whole body shook, the sweat gushing out of him only increasing as he buried his face to his hands, tears of frustration falling out of his eyes. He couldn’t for the life of him understand what made him feel so strongly about this, as all he could concentrate on was the need to see Viktor again.

He took some time calming himself down, and after his hands had finally stopped from shaking, he turned the lights back off and climbed under the covers, checking the time and scoffing when he saw it was almost morning. But he still had a few hours with Viktor left, and he was not going to let them slip through his fingers.

*

Yuuri groaned when he felt someone poking his cheek. He turned around, digging his face further into his pillow, trying to race the last drops of sleep with burning passion. The poking didn’t stop, though, and Yuuri felt himself wake up, much to his dismay. He had felt so good while sleeping…

His eyes shot open, and he threw the blanket to the floor as he sat up, his heart beating fast in his chest when he breathed heavily. “Viktor!”

“No Viktor here, only Phichit, ” Phichit’s amused voice chirped next to him, and Yuuri felt a wave of disappointment hit him. “It’s seems like someone’s had another wet dream~”

“Phichit,” Yuuri whined, rubbing his eyes with too much force. “It was  _ not  _ a wet dream.”

“Say what you want, declining only makes it more obvious,” Phichit laughed, poking Yuuri’s cheek one more time. “Besides, if it wasn’t, why are you blushing?”

“Am not,” Yuuri whispered, but his cheeks only heated more under his friends knowing smirk.

“Aw, you’re so cute when you try to deny your true feelings,” Phichit was enjoying himself way too much for Yuuri’s liking, but there was nothing he could do about it. So he just stuck his tongue out, trying his best to set aside the disappointment pooling inside his stomach.

“But anyways, are you ready to tell me about your new lover anytime soon?”

Yuuri ignored his best friend, and rose from the bed. He yawned before walking to the bathroom, deciding that a cold shower should do the trick to make him forget Viktor. He still had to finish the essay, and it would be a pain if he kept thinking of the Russian man.

*

“Yuuri Katsuki, if I may have a word with you?” Yuuri heard his professor say when he was packing his bag after the last lesson of the day. It was already Wednesday, and he was in no hurry getting home other than the planned nap to try to meet Viktor again.

Ever since last Saturday, Yuuri had dedicated his every free moment on trying to have even the smallest lucid dream, but thus far he’d had too much going on his head to be able to fall asleep properly. Yuuri was certain it must’ve been caused by how little time he could put to it.

That was also why today would be a perfect day for trying, as he had no plans at all for the whole day.

“Yes?” he answered, a sliver of fear settling itself to his heart. His professor smiled at him reassuringly, only managing to make Yuuri even more afraid.

“It’s just, I read your essay from the other day,” he said, and Yuuri prayed to all the deities out there that he hadn’t failed it. While the particular essay in itself didn’t affect his overall grade in any way, he wanted to get every possible extra credit he could muster in case something happened and he wouldn’t get the grade he needed.

“I must say, I was rather impressed by the point-of-view you used when you studied cubism,” he continued, unaware of the cold sweat running down Yuuri’s back. “It is heartwarming to see such a creative mind in my class. I looked at your portfolio, and I would be lying if I say I wasn’t impressed. Tell me, would you be interested in some extra credit?”

“Uh,” Yuuri gulped, taking a glimpse at the clock before answering. “It depends. If you need another essay written, I’m more than happy to do it.”

“Oh, this is something else,” he said, patting Yuuri on the shoulder as if they were great friends. Yuuri got the feeling that was exactly what the old man wanted him to feel. “There is this certain competition I’d like you to consider joining. It would be a great opportunity for you to get your name around, and of course there’s the prize money if you succeed…”

“Ah,” Yuuri was dumbfounded. His mouth hanged slightly open as he pondered whether it would be inappropriate or not to ask just how much the prize money in question was. “I don’t really know what to say.”

“I’m happy if you promise me you’ll consider it,” the teacher said and dug through his bag before handing Yuuri the leaflet of the competition. “It’s going to take place in three months, so please contact me as soon as you’ve made your decision so that I can arrange you time and materials for working on it.”

He nodded his balding head, and patted Yuuri firmly on the forearm before turning to leave. As he reached the doorway, he turned to give Yuuri a one last glance and a smile. “I’m sure you’ll make the right choice.”

And with that, he left Yuuri alone in the empty classroom. Yuuri looked at the paper in his hands, his eyes widening when he saw the amount of money the winner was promised.

*

“ _ Five thousand dollars _ , Phichit, that’s not a small amount,” Yuuri whispered, burying his head to his arms as he slumped over the kitchen table, the untouched bowl of soup in front of him growing colder and colder by the minute. “I could really use that money…”

“Then I don’t see what’s the problem in here,” Phichit stated, scrolling through his phone as if Yuuri wasn’t currently in the middle of a mental breakdown. “Just paint something, win the competition and get the money. Simple as that.”

Yuuri groaned, not understanding how his roommate could be so calm about this. “It’s not simple at all! I would have to dedicate so much time into it! And what if I don’t even win? Then it would be all for nothing.”

“Yuuri,” Phichit said sternly, putting his phone down and taking Yuuri’s hand to his own. “Have you even seen the way you paint? It’s like you make your paintings alive somehow, it’s mad realistic!”

Yuuri sighed, not wanting to argue with his friend over the subject they’d already been through so many times. “You can’t know what the judges are like. Maybe they won’t like my style? Or maybe I’ve lost my ability to paint!”

“That’s all pointless speculation and you know it,” Phichit said, patting Yuuri’s head softly before pushing the bowl of soup closer to him. “We can throw around some ideas of what you could paint for the competition while you eat, and if we don’t come up with something that inspires you, we’ll leave it at that.”

“But I really need the money,” Yuuri said, straightening his back on the chair before looking at the soup, his appetite nonexistent. “I could finally go home.”

Phichit smiled reassuringly at him. “It’s good to have a clear goal in mind, but don’t let that take your mind off the work itself. I think it’s best if you take this as just another assignment from school, and if you happen to win, then great! Cool! You get money! But if you don’t, it’s not like you’ve lost anything?”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Yuuri muttered, picking the spoon up and gulping the now lukewarm soup down his throat without tasting any of it. “But I just can’t shake the pressure off… You know how I get when I know someone’s watching my paintings?”

“You’ll just have to paint something so amazing even you can’t hate it.”

Yuuri wondered what that might be, but didn’t want to spread his negativity anymore than necessary. He looked up at his friend, who was currently watching him with a hint of concern behind his eyes, but as soon as their eyes met, Phichit smiled and all the traces of worry were swiped off from his face like they hadn’t even been there in the first place.

“What would you want me to paint?” Yuuri asked timidly, knowing that Phichit always had a variety of wild ideas for him to paint, and even if he wouldn’t choose any of them, he could still be inspired from hearing them. As he’d predicted, his friend’s whole being lit up, and Yuuri couldn’t help but smile as he watched Phichit get so cheerful.

“Oh, I have so many great ideas!” Phichit laughed enthusiastically, propping himself to his elbows as he leaned closer to Yuuri. “First of all, you could paint your undying love for me after I tell you I bought us some Ben & Jerry’s for today’s movie night!”

Yuuri’s head perked with the mention of ice cream. “Oh my god, please tell me you got One Sweet World for me?”

Phichit laughed and nodded, jumping up and down in his chair, unable to maintain himself anymore. “Of course! Who do you think I am? It’d be a blasphemy if I forgot your favourite ice cream flavour.”

Yuuri blushed, his mood already better than it had been the whole week. “I didn’t know we had a movie night today.”

“Well, I just thought you deserved it,” Phichit said nonchalantly, and Yuuri’s heart swelled in his chest from his friend’s thoughtfulness. “You’ve been working so hard these past weeks, and I’ve noticed how it affects you. So, what about we have a little King and the Skater marathon?”

Yuuri couldn’t prevent the groan that escaped his lips, but he not-so-secretly enjoyed the way Phichit’s face morphed into a shocked disbelief. He grinned, deciding to tease his friend even further. “Oh no, I can’t stand the movie! Why would you want to torture me, Phichit? What have I ever done to deserve this pain?”

“You rat bastard! This is it, I’m done!” Yuuri giggled when Phichit stomped his feet playfully to the floor. “I’m taking the ice cream and then I’ll leave!”

“No! Anything but the ice cream!” Yuuri managed to protest before both of them bursted out laughing, all the worries from before long forgotten. He felt lighthearted and happy, and didn’t even think of Viktor for one second before settling on the couch and starting the movie, which thankfully wasn't the King and the Skater. 

It wasn’t until he was in his bed that night that Yuuri remembered the Russian man, but decided it would be the best to leave meeting him for the weekend. He closed his eyes and drifted off, all his worries stripped from his mind as he dived into a dreamless sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

By the time Saturday arrived, Yuuri was bubbling with enthusiasm. He was dying to tell Viktor about the art competition, wanting to know what he thought Yuuri should paint. He had promised to let his teacher know whether he’d enter the competition or not in the following week, and Yuuri knew that Viktor would give him the reassurance he needed to make his final decision.

He went to bed nearly two hours earlier than normal, too excited to wait anymore. Phichit, who had been trying to lure him into updating his Instagram more, had finally grown tired of his restlessness and had sent him to bed without hearing any of his protests.

“Go see your boyfriend,” he’d said, and Yuuri had tried to hide his flushing face while pointing out how Viktor was _not_ his boyfriend. Phichit had only quirked an eyebrow at him, not believing a word. “Well, he definitely isn’t as he ain’t even real, but what harm is in dreaming and having a little fun? God knows you deserve it.”

Yuuri evened his breathing, and prepared himself to seeing a lucid dream. He concentrated on his diaphragm as he draw in deep breaths, relaxing his muscles before repeating the whole ‘I won’t forget I’m dreaming’ mantra over and over again in his head. Finally, he let his mind wander to Viktor’s silvery hair and his heart-shaped smile as he drifted into unconsciousness.

The soft tingling in his left arm made a smile broke into his face, and knew immediately he had yet again succeeded in bringing himself to another lucid dream. He opened his eyes, not letting his body adjust to the dreamy state, making his way straight towards the cottage. Soon enough, Vicchan came trotting towards him, and Yuuri barely even stopped to scratch him as he hurried to meet Viktor.

He opened the door and stepped inside the small cabin, a huffing Vicchan following at his feet. “Viktor?” Yuuri’s voice echoed inside the empty room. He stepped further in, but realised soon enough that the man wasn’t there.

_ Maybe he hasn’t arrived yet? After all, I’m here early… _

Yuuri nodded at his conclusion, and sat buy the table, sipping from his cup of hot cocoa that was waiting there for him. He had no idea whether Viktor usually arrived at the exact same time as him, or maybe he came earlier, but he was happy with whichever. All he cared about was that he would come.

An eternity passed with no signs of Viktor, and Yuuri was growing bored. He had no way of tracking time, as in dreams the concept of time was different from reality. He rose from the table and walked over to the perch, deciding that from outside he might spot Viktor better when he’d finally come.

He grabbed himself a canvas and some paints, thinking that the time would pass quicker and he wouldn’t fall asleep if he had something to keep his mind occupied. He dipped his brush in cyan, and let his hands swift across the canvas.

The radiating sun made sweat pool into his forehead, and Yuuri swiped his forehead with the back of his hand, choosing to take a small break. He’d found himself quite enjoying the process of creating, the distant chirping of birds and the buzz of insects around him managing to calm him as he’d let himself paint something without putting his mind into it.

Yuuri’s hand still holding the brush stopped on his forehead, and his breath hitched in his throat when he saw whose picture he’d started painting by accident. On the canvas was the rawest, most beautiful version of Viktor Yuuri had ever seen. He looked even more real than ever before, and Yuuri traced his fingers on his cheekbones to feel if they were as sharp as they looked, feeling stupid when his fingers hit the wet canvas, smearing Viktor’s face.

He lifted his eyes off the painting and looked at the flowery field around him, and his stomach dropped.

Viktor was not coming.

Yuuri felt his chest tighten from the realisation, and he refused to believe it was true.  _ He must be late! That’s it, no need to worry just yet _ …

But deep down Yuuri knew that no matter what he did, Viktor wasn’t coming. He began to pace around the small corner of the universe he had created for himself, never having been so angry at how tiny the place really was.  _ Maybe Viktor was bored of him? Maybe he wasn’t real after all! Maybe he - _

Yuuri stopped when he found himself again in front of the painting, and determination set inside of him. He closed his eyes, concentrating fully on how Viktor’s skin had felt under his palm, and reached out to the canvas.

_ This is my dream, so shouldn’t I be able to bring him here whenever I want to? _

He gasped, his eyes shotting open when he felt the softness of Viktor’s cheek under the tips of his fingers, and he nearly bursted into tears when he saw the man standing in front of him, smiling widely at him.

“Viktor! You came,” Yuuri breathed, surging himself to the russian man’s arms, hugging him tightly. “I was so worried you’d left me!”

“Oh Yuuri, I would never,” Viktor said, his eyes warm and inviting. Yuuri inhaled sharply before pressing his nose on the crook of Viktor’s neck, enjoying the now familiar scent that filled his nostrils, the panic and anger from before subsiding almost completely.

Viktor smiled, cupping Yuuri’s cheeks with his hands, forcing him to look up at him. “Oh, Yuuri,” he whispered, and dipped his head down until their lips were ghosting over each other. But before he could press them together, Yuuri pulled away, his heartbeat picking up as bitter tears dropped down his cheeks.

_ Viktor wouldn’t kiss me so suddenly like this… _

“Go away,” he whispered, closing his eyes as his whole body started shaking under the weight of the realisation that Viktor wasn’t there, that he probably would never again see him. Amidst the devastating pain clawing at his guts, he understood that this meant that Viktor wasn’t just a fragment of his imagination created by his subconscious mind to fill the void he’d created for himself by pushing everyone else away, but a living human probably lucid dreaming himself.

But instead of finding joy in the new revelation, Yuuri felt even more miserable than before. For if it was right, then that meant that if Viktor wasn’t going to come back, he’d have absolutely no way of finding him ever again.

_ Look at you, getting so worked up over something as inconsequential like this. It’s not like you even know the man properly! _

Yuuri knew that it was the truth, but he didn’t want to hear any of it. He wanted to see Viktor, he wanted to touch him and hear him call his name again. He knew it was stupid to feel such strongly of someone he’d only met twice, and in dreams on top of it all, but he just couldn’t escape from the tugging feeling in his heart pulling his body towards the russian man, couldn’t stop the emptiness he felt whenever they were apart.

Yuuri knew having a crush on Viktor would be worse than just bad, but he couldn’t for the life of him bury his feelings away. Not now when he’d finally, for the first time in his life, found someone he felt so strongly about. He couldn’t just let him go without nothing.

He opened his eyes slowly, glad that the tears had already dried out, but gasped when he saw that he was surrounded by darkness. Gone was the flowery field and summery evening, only emptiness remained all around him. His body was weightless, nothing under his feet keeping him in place as he flowed gently in the emptiness.

Yuuri blinked, and slowly, small lights lit up in the far distance. He had to squint to see them, and after a moment he realised he was in space again. Right before his eyes the same spiralling, purple galaxies and shining stardust from before came alive once again. The serenity of the stars and blackest of blacks made his heart flutter, but something was different from the last time.

_ Is it because Viktor isn’t here? _

Had his mind brought him here because this is where he last saw Viktor? Did he believe he could find him here, waiting for him? Yuuri hated the uncertainty, loathed it with his whole being, but at the same time, he found odd comfort in it. For as long as he wasn’t completely certain that Viktor wasn’t coming back, Yuuri would wait for him. Hell, he’d already waited over twenty four years to meet a person that would lit a fire in his heart, and he could surely wait for an entire lifetime if it ever came to it.

He looked at the beautifully opening scenery in front of him, and silently hoped that he wouldn’t have to wait for too long.

_ Come here, Viktor, I’ll be here for you. _

*

Yuuri had his sketchbook prepped between his legs, the squiggly position in which he was sitting on the couch rather uncomfortable. But as it was the only one in which his wrist didn’t hurt too much, it had to do. He’d been drawing for the better part of four hours now, and was nowhere near satisfied with any of the sketches he’d created so far, but the drive to draw was burning inside him strong enough to make him forget everything else.

He heard the front door opening, but didn’t bother to lift his eyes from his current sketch, wanting to nail the chin this time.  _ If only my hand would stop twitching… _

“Yuuri? Are you there?” Phichit’s slightly worried voice came from the doorway, and Yuuri grunted him to tell that he was alive, but apparently it wasn’t loud enough as Phichit looked overly relieved and slightly startled when he walked into the living room and saw him sitting on the couch.

“Have you been home for long?” his best friend asked him, and Yuuri shook his head. He’d only been there for… How long has it been? Five hours? Six?

“Have you eaten?”

Another shake.

Phichit hummed, looking at the poorly lit room before putting the lights on and closing the curtains. “I was thinking we could order some pizza. Is that okay? You look like you could do with a break.”

Yuuri nodded in defeat after cursing aloud when his hand jerked suddenly and his nearly perfected chin was ruined. He looked at the creation, and his eyes hurt from trying to focus on the dim light, reluctantly thinking that a break might actually be in place right now.

“Anyways, what are you drawing?” Phichit said and jumped next to Yuuri, snatching his sketchbook from his hands before he even realised what was happening. Yuuri yelped and tried to take it back, but Phichit was quicker than him and had already jumped to stand on the back of the couch, snickering to himself before his eyes found the picture Yuuri had been working on.

The thai boy stilled, his eyes widening and posture softening when he looked at it for so long that Yuuri was beginning to think he had broken his friend with the ugliness of his sketch. But then Phichit turned to look at Yuuri, his eyes watering and eyebrows knitting together.

“Yuuri…” he whispered, the sketchbook dropping down from his hands as he rushed to throw himself on top of the other man, clutching onto him tightly while small hiccups escaped his mouth. “It’s so beautiful! Are you going to put that to the competition?”

“Yeah, I was thinking I could,” Yuuri answered, holding his friend tightly as he hugged him, trying to comfort him as much as he could. He had no idea where Phichit had gotten his sudden outburst of emotions, but he was always happy to cuddle with him even if there wasn’t a real reason for it. “I just don’t think it’s good enough. I mean, the lines are no good and I just can’t get the eyes right no matter how hard I try…”

“Can I ask you one thing?” Phichit moved his head to lay on Yuuri’s chest, and Yuuri nodded his approval. “Is that guy… Is he the one from your dreams?”

Yuuri stilled, the question taking him by surprise. “Yeah, he is.” He saw no point in trying to deny it, but saying it aloud made his insides squirm. “I was thinking of the theme, ‘love’, and I don’t know… Somehow he just came to my mind and suddenly I was sketching him.”

“Yuuri,” Phichit said firmly, looking into his eyes to see if he would lie to him, and Yuuri felt himself shrinking under the burning gaze. “Don’t tell me you’ve fallen in love with him…”

“I -” Yuuri choked, tearing his eyes off his best friend in shame, his cheeks heating up when he heard the soft gasp that escaped Phichit’s mouth. He hurried to deny everything. “I’m not _in_ _love_ with him.”

“Oh, Yuuri,” Phichit sighed, hugging Yuuri tighter and smiling at him weakly. “You know that he’s not real, right? When I said there wasn’t no harm in having fun, I didn’t mean that you should go and develop feelings for him.”

“I know that he’s not real,” saying the words hurt Yuuri more than he would ever be able to admit, but he had to reassure his friend that he was fine. “It’s just a crush, nothing more.”

Phichit looked skeptical, and Yuuri hoped he wouldn’t make too big a deal out of this. He was grateful that Phichit clearly cared for his well-being, but he hated it when others tried to tell him how to live his life.

“Just promise me you’re okay?” Phichit said, and Yuuri felt a wave of relief hit him, and he nodded. His friend sighed, and rubbed his back slowly before continuing to speak. “Just promise me, Yuuri, please promise me that you’ll tell me immediately if something happens, okay? Like, if you feel like you’re beginning to feel something more for him. And please, promise me that if it gets too far you’ll stop seeing him, okay?”

“Okay,” Yuuri whispered, afraid of the possibility of never seeing Viktor again, but not wanting to make his friend worry by refusing to promise. He sighed and looked at his friend with tired eyes. “It’s not as if I even know if I’m seeing him again.”

“Really?” Phichit seemed to perk up, his shoulders relaxing and smile widening. “That’s good, Yuuri. Just like our friendly neighbourhood wizard once said, it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, right?”

“Right,” Yuuri whispered, painting a smile onto his face before detangling himself from his friend’s arms and standing off the couch. “What about we order the pizza now? I’m starving.”

He told Phichit his order before making him call the pizzeria, promising to go buy them some soda if Phichit would be the one to take the pizzas once they’d arrive. Yuuri grabbed his jacket and went out, his smile dropping the second he shut the door.

He knew already that he couldn’t keep his promises to Phichit, as he knew he had to see Viktor again, and possibly get to know where he lived so that he could meet him for real. He knew that if they met, it would mean that he could let his feelings grow and both of them would be happy, but as long as Viktor stayed just a man he met in a dream, there was no guarantee they could ever become anything more than just mere acquaintances.

Yuuri stepped outside, and was instantly attacked by a heavy downpour. He gasped when the cold water hit his head and fell down his neck and inside his shirt, but he didn’t turn back to fetch an umbrella. He didn’t even bother running, taking one slow step after another towards the corner store.

He saw his reflection in a nearby car’s window, and was shocked to see how small and miserable he looked. He was thoroughly soaked, wearing only a blue, oversized hoodie and sweatpants and his hair a tangled mess. He didn’t spend much time staring at himself, and headed to the store trying to ignore how small and miserable he felt inside, too.

The streetlights painted the soaked Detroit streets to resemble a breathtaking oil painting when Yuuri stepped out of the store with two bottles of coke, but as his mind was elsewhere, he didn’t even see the beauty before his eyes.

_ What is the point? Why do I want to meet Viktor so desperately? It isn’t as if he’s the answer to all my problems, not even close. So, why do I care? _

Yuuri sighed, and all too soon reached his shared apartment again. He stood behind the door for a solid minute before digging his keys out of his pocket, opening it with shaking hands. As soon as Phichit saw him, he gasped and hurried to take the bottles from his hands.

“Yuuri! You should’ve taken an umbrella!” the worry was clear in his voice, but Yuuri shrugged him off. Phichit’s frown deepened and he shook his head before putting the bottles to the fridge and grabbing Yuuri a towel.

“You will catch a cold if you aren’t careful!”

“It’s okay,” Yuuri smiled tiredly. Just when Phichit was about to argue, the doorbell rang. Yuuri took that as an opportunity to escape, and slipped into the bathroom to change his clothes. He listened as Phichit talked with the pizza delivery guy, managing to smile when he heard his friend flirting shamelessly with him before the door shut down.

“Oh my God Yuuri, we definitely need to order more pizza if that guy’s the one delivering!”

When Yuuri emerged from the bathroom, wearing a pair of sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt, he saw Phichit already chewing on a pizza slice. Yuuri walked over him and snorted when he saw his friend had only cut his own pizza, and laughed by the guilty look when he mentioned it.

“I was hungry! And I thought you’d take longer,” Phichit tried to defend himself, but Yuuri just laughed him off before taking the pizza cutter and starting to slice his own to pieces.

“What should we watch?” he asked, thinking he’d be okay with pretty much anything at the moment.

_ It’s not as if I’ll be able to concentrate on it anyways. _

“Ooh, there’s this series I’ve been dying to show you!” Phichit mumbled, his mouth full off pizza and the words nearly incoherent. Yuuri hummed, knowing his friend’s taste in tv shows matched his, and together they walked over to the couch, Yuuri putting the lights off while Phichit scrolled through Netflix.

The show began, and Phichit started immediately commenting on his thoughts about the script and actors, telling Yuuri his assumptions and opinions, and Yuuri nodded whenever he heard his friend pause, adding an occasional ‘oh really?’ and ‘yeah, right’ when he felt they were needed. 

After some half an hour Yuuri found himself staring at the screen without knowing what was going on, the pizza in his mouth tasting like ash. 

*

“Katsuki Yuuri! I’d like to have a word with you,” the booming voice of his teacher rang after Yuuri when he tried to leave the classroom, and Yuuri closed his eyes and counted to three before turning around, flashing him a strained smile.

“Yes teacher?”

“I was wondering if you’ve considered the competition yet? I know we agreed on next Friday, but I was curious of your thoughts now,” he said, his eyes filled with hope, which made Yuuri feel guilty that he had already entertained the thought of not participating in the contest at all.

He tried to open his mouth to apologise, to tell that he wouldn’t be able to take part in it, but his mouth worked quicker than his mind, and soon he heard himself talk without even realising it.

“Actually, I’ve already made a first draft,” Yuuri’s eyes widened when the words escaped his mouth as if he was possessed by some overly enthusiastic workaholic student extraordinaire, but couldn’t stop when he saw he way his teacher’s eyes lit up as if Yuuri himself had hung up the sun up to the sky. “I think I’m going to approach the theme from a first-person point of view, in a form of portrait kind of thing…”

“Great! That sounds wonderful!” the teacher squealed, and Yuuri smiled at him strainedly. “I’ll talk with the staff to get you some time and space to work on the painting, and of course I’ll book the hotel and transportation to the Finale as soon as possible so we don’t need to resort to a hostel. I’m so glad you’re doing this, Yuuri!”

Yuuri just nodded, his head running a mile per second.  _ What on Earth had he just gotten himself into?  _ Now he’d had to create a masterpiece, or else the teacher would be disappointed, and that was the absolutely last thing Yuuri wanted to happen.

He waved the teacher goodbye, and walked to the nearest bathroom. Once he had locked the door of the cubicle he’d rushed into, he let out a strangled shriek and collapsed against the toilet.  _ Why oh why do I have to be like this? _

He closed his eyes and breathed through his nose, trying to find something positive to think about the situation he’d gotten himself into. Was it right if he painted Viktor? And if he didn’t, where could he find inspiration to paint anything else at this point? The strange man had been fueling his creativity for the past weeks, and Yuuri couldn’t imagine trying to muster his brain into creating anything else now that he’d finally found inspiration after months of pointlessly trying to find it.

His phone pinged in his pocket, and Yuuri was just barely able to rip himself out of his spiralling self deprecation to pick it up. He sighed in relief when he saw it was just Phichit sending him a picture of his hamsters. He sent him a quick laughing emoji before standing from the toilet seat and leaving the cubicle.

He washed his face with cold water before leaving the restroom, deciding that he might as well head back home to try and get the first sketch for the competition finished so that he could show it to the teacher.

He sighed when he checked the time, remembering that as it was only Wednesday.

_ Oh, if it only was Saturday already… _

*

Yuuri felt something wet brushing over his cheek, and swatted his hand gently to wipe off whoever it was that was currently licking his face. His hand sank into a soft fur, and his eyes shot open. He gasped when he saw Vicchan - no, that couldn’t be Vicchan, the dog was  _ way  _ too big to be his Vicchan - staring at him with brown eyes full of love, and Yuuri’s brain short-circuited. 

_ Could this mean…? _

“Yuuri!” the recognizable voice came from somewhere to Yuuri’s right, and the japanese man turned his head towards it in such a hurry it was a miracle his neck didn’t snap in half. When Yuuri spotted the silver haired man running towards him, all thoughts except for one escaped from his mind;  _ Viktor was here. _

“Vi - Viktor?” he gasped, struggling to get to his feet. His knees felt weak, the tingles from waking in a lucid dream still strongly present, but somehow Yuuri managed to stand up and throw himself into Viktor’s awaiting arms. “Is it really you?”

“Oh Yuuri,” Viktor whispered, his voice filled with emotions, and Yuuri’s heart melted in his chest. Viktor’s voice was so deep and affectionate, even more so than he remembered, and it soothed something deep inside of him. “I’m so so sorry I wasn’t here, I wanted to be, I promise you. God, I missed you so much!”

“It’s okay, Viktor,” Yuuri choked, and felt happy when he realised he meant it. “I missed you, too, Viktor.”

“Yuuri,” Viktor said softly, wrapping his hand under his chin and lifting his head softly, his eyes sparkling with unshed tears. Yuuri’s breath hitched in his throat, and for a fleeting second he was certain Viktor was going to hug him. Yuuri’s eyes widened, but then Viktor tore his eyes off him, stepping back with a soft smile on his lips.

“I want to take you somewhere, if you’re fine with that.”

Yuuri remembered how it had ended last time Viktor had taken him to outer space, and felt reluctant to go this time. He looked at Viktor’s pleading eyes, and felt conflicted. “But what if you disappear again?”

“I won’t,” Viktor said firmly, and Yuuri wanted so badly to believe him. Viktor must’ve sensed his hesitation, as his voice softened. “I’ll promise you, Yuuri, I’m not going to disappear this time. Please, trust me.”

Viktor offered his hand to Yuuri, who looked at it skeptically. He was dying to see where Viktor would take him this time, but the mere possibility of him vanishing made his heart squeeze uncomfortably in his chest. He looked down to see Makkachin curled up in a ball on the grass, his head on top of his paws, the dark eyes looking at him as if asking him,  _ What are you so afraid of? _

Yuuri sighed, lifting his eyes to meet Viktor’s, and steeled himself before taking the russian man’s hand. He felt sparks run through his body from his fingertips all the way down his toes and up his neck, and he inhaled sharply when Viktor’s beaming smile rivalled the sun, and their surroundings began to shift into pure white. Yuuri felt his body pull towards Viktor, and soon he swooped his arms around the taller man, embracing him tightly in fear of losing him if he’d let go. Yuuri gasped and shut his eyes, his body shaking with the insurmountable terror. Viktor tightened his grip of him, and Yuuri sobbed dry tears into his shirt.

“It’s okay now, Yuuri, we’re here,” Viktor whispered softly, and Yuuri opened his eyes slowly. He was met with a dark sky above his head, deep, white snow surrounding him from everywhere. There were a forest of pine trees to his right covered in the soft powder, and a small building buried in the snow in the fringe of it. But what made Yuuri gasp aloud was the beautiful display of colours dancing in the sky, illuminating the snow with their beauty.

Hues of red and green, vibrantly cracking and shifting above his eyes, enthralling Yuuri so much he almost forgot to breathe.

“Is this…”

“Aurora borealis, yes,” Viktor answered, his breath causing soft steam rising up in the air. “This is the place I used to spend my winters. My grandparents lived in that cottage over there.”

Viktor pointed to the tiny wooden building ahead of them, nearly collapsing from the weight of the snow covering its roof. Yuuri lifted his eyes back to the northern lights above his head, never having witnessed the phenomenon before.

“My grandma used to call them the fox’s fires,” Viktor said, guiding Yuuri towards the cabin.

They walked over the cold snow, and Yuuri’s cheeks grew pink when the freezing air bit his skin softly, his breath rising up to the sky in soft swirls of smoke. Viktor held his hand tightly, stealing glances at the shorter man every now and then, his eyes reflecting the flashing colours above them.

“My grandparents met during the Second World War,” Viktor said quietly as they neared the cabin, and Yuuri found his eyes fixed on him. “Grandpa was fighting in the Russian army while my grandma was a member of the group that aided the soldiers on Finnish side. He got wounded and my grandma saved her. She was ordered to leave him dying, seeing as he was an enemy soldier, but she took him in and healed him, and they ran off together before the war ended, hiding inside this cabin far in the North.”

“They had to abandon both of their families in fear of being disowned. I believe my grandma's parents thought she died in the war without ever getting to know she had children,” Viktor’s voice was quiet, and Yuuri found himself wondering what it would’ve been like, and whether he’d been able to do the same. He looked at Viktor, and realised that if there was someone he loved, there was nothing he wouldn’t do for them.

The soft cracking of the lights in the sky was barely audible over the scrunching of the snow underneath them as they walked over it, and Yuuri found himself completely immersed in the atmosphere. Viktor lead him inside the cabin, and offered him some soft cocoa and a wool blanket, pulling it over the both of them as they sat on the couch, watching the already lit hearth.

“Yuuri…” Viktor’s voice was suddenly very small and fragile, and Yuuri turned his head up from the flames, only to see Viktor’s face covered behind his silvery strands. He wanted to ask Viktor what he was trying to say, but decided he should give the man time to form his words. Yuuri knew from experience how awful it could be when someone tried to push him into talking when he wasn’t even sure what he wanted to say in the first place

“I…” Viktor said, and then stopped before sighing, fidgeting his mug in his hands. Yuuri put his hand on top of his, squeezing it gently, wanting to tell Viktor he would give him all the support he needed. Viktor’s voice shook when he finally opened his mouth again, avoiding Yuuri’s gaze. “I want to be with you.”

Yuuri felt confused, not quite getting what Viktor was trying to say. “What do you mean? Aren’t we together now?”

Viktor shook his head, and Yuuri found himself wanting to brush his hair behind his ears so that he could see his face better. He felt left in the dark when he couldn’t read Viktor’s emotions from his face, only having is vague words to guide him through the conversation.

“I want…” Viktor sighed, and Yuuri wondered if there was anything he could do to make the words come easier. “It’s just, I’ve always wanted to find a love story similar to my grandparents’. My own parents, they - they weren’t quite the ideal pairing if you can say so. It’s not really a surprise as their marriage was build on combining two wealthy families, not love. But whenever I was with my grandparents, I felt as if true love did exist after all…”

“You can find true love, Viktor,” Yuuri tried to reassure him, but Viktor just shook his head again. Yuuri frowned, and put his mug to the coffee table before turning his whole body towards the russian man.

Ever so softly, he moved Viktor’s bangs from his face, cupping his cheeks with his hands, smiling softly at him. “You’re beautiful and talented and so so very gorgeous human being, Viktor, I’m sure you’ll find someone to love.”

Viktor’s eyes filled with tears, and he gasped wetly and shook his head violently. Yuuri’s heart squeezed in his chest when he saw how miserable Viktor looked, and he wanted desperately to wipe the expression off his face for good.

“Yuuri,” Viktor whispered, his shaking hands wrapping themselves around Yuuri’s waist, pulling him to sit on his lap, and Yuuri’s heartbeat quickened with the intensity and closeness of their bodies. “Can I - can I  _ please _ kiss you?”

Yuuri nodded slowly, his head swimming with emotions, and Viktor’s eyes sparkled as he dipped his head towards Yuuri, their mouths colliding in the softest of ways. Viktor’s lips were soft and eager to investigate Yuuri’s lips, and soon the two of them melted together, Yuuri’s chest flamed like someone had planted fireworks inside him, the heat burning behind his skin yearning for touch, yearning for  _ more _ .

_ “Don’t tell me you’ve fallen in love with him.” _

Yuuri’s eyes, which he’d closed the second Viktor had pressed their lips together, shot open when he heard Phichit’s words loud and clear inside his head.

_ “You know that he’s not real, right?” _

He gasped and detached himself from Viktor, his eyes watering up when he realised what he’d just done.

_ “When I said there wasn’t no harm in having fun, I didn’t mean that you should go and develop feelings for him.” _

No, this couldn’t be happening, he wasn’t, he  _ couldn’t _ -

“Yuuri,” the worry behind Viktor’s voice did nothing to ease the panic rising inside of Yuuri, and the japanese man had to tear himself off from top of him, the touch that had just seconds ago ignited passion inside of him now scorching like a treacherous fire about to burn him alive.

“Yuuri, what’s wrong?” Viktor sounded almost panicked now, his voice wavering as he tried to put his arms to Yuuri’s shoulders, gasping when the shorter man slapped his hands away, retreating farther away from him. “Yuuri… Please, please tell me what’s wrong… I can help, Yuuri, please -”

“I - I can’t,” Yuuri choked, his voice thick and barely audible as fat tears started spilling from his eyes. “You’re not - you’re not even  _ real _ -”

Viktor tensed, his eyes growing wide, but before he could do anything, Yuuri shook his head frantically and collapsed to the floor, his eyes screwed shut as the pain inside him became unbearable.

“Yuuri,” Viktor whispered, but Yuuri didn’t even hear him, as all he could sense was his body freezing, the fire from the hearth dying and the cabin around him disappearing into nothingness. Yuuri gasped and opened his eyes, but there was nothing to see anymore, both Viktor and the cabin having vanished into the darkness.

Yuuri tried to reach his hand out, tried to grasp onto something,  _ anything _ , but found himself unable to move his body. Cold fear seized his body, and the frantic, sheer panic filled him as he tried his best to move any of his body parts. 

_ No no no, please not now, I can’t handle this now, no no NO - _

His room was dark, and from his half-lidded eyes he could just barely see his door, which was slightly ajar, opening slowly. Yuuri began crying internally, not being able to do anything when the shadow creeped into the room, sinking into the darkness so that Yuuri was only able to feel its presence, not seeing anything apart from the light seeping inside from the doorframe.

_I need to wake up. I need to wake up_ now _._

He prayed for all deities out there that the shadowy creature would not make his way towards him, but just as he was about to calm himself enough to try to slip back into the dream, someone jumped on top of him, the smell of rotting flesh filling his nostrils enough to make him puke, if only his body would’ve worked normally. Yuuri wanted to screw his eyes shut, he wanted so desperately to ignore the crushing weight on top of his stomach, to not see the shadow currently sitting on his stomach, it’s dark eyes just barely distinguishable amidst the darkness engulfing the room.

The panic hit Yuuri hard, and he was no longer in control of his thoughts. The only thing in his mind other than the panic was the strong, overwhelming urge to  _ run _ . He screamed, kicked and punched the air, shouted from the bottom of his lungs for a release from his agony, all the while not moving a single muscle of his body, not a single sound escaping his mouth.

He was dying, and no one could even see or hear him go.

Sharp pain slashed inside Yuuri’s abdomen, and to his horror, he saw the creature digging his long claws inside his stomach as if he was cutting through butter. Yuuri smelled the irony scent of blood that spilled onto his face, and his cries grew frantic when the creature locked his eyes with him.

_ I’m going to die, I’m going to die, I’m going to - _

Yuuri gasped louder than he ever had before, his body jumping up from the bed, limbs swaying to every direction as he screamed loud enough to wake up the whole Detroit. His room wasn’t so dark anymore, and he kicked his duvet to the floor as he rose to stand on top of his bed, tears finally spilling out of his eyes as his body went limp.


	4. Chapter 4

Yuuri was still sobbing silently when he heard the door to his bedroom open. He vaguely registered his roommate rushing in as he heard his frantic voice while he opened the lights and got closer to the bed. The sounds felt as if they were coming through a tube, all distant and echoing inside his head.

Phichit’s movement suddenly came to a halt when his eyes landed on the shaking pile on the bed.

“Yuuri?” his voice was alarmed, and he wasted no time hopping onto the bed, carefully lifting his hand closer to Yuuri’s shoulder. “Is it okay if I touch you?”

Yuuri gave him a weak nod, and Phichit wrapped his arms around him, holding him tightly in his arms as he let him continue crying.

“Hush, Yuuri, it’s alright now,” he whispered to Yuuri’s ear in a soothing manner, his heart aching as he had no idea what had caused the attack this time. “It’s alright now, I’m here. It’s alright.”

Yuuri tried to tell Phichit what he had seen, but he found himself gasping for air, his lungs not working as he felt his chest tighten with the memory of the eyes staring at him. He coughed, snot floating from his nose and down his chin as he tried his best to avoid looking at Phichit, hating himself for being so disgusting in front of him.

Breathing was becoming more and more difficult, and the room dimmed as black dots begun to blanket his sight, his head swimming as if someone was hitting him from the inside with a hammer.

“Phi - Phit -” he croaked, feeling himself drift into unconsciousness with the lack of oxygen in his system. Phichit squeezed his fingers to his sides so hard Yuuri would surely get bruises tomorrow, but the man didn’t even notice.

“Yuuri!” Phichit cried, the panic in his voice matching the inner turmoil Yuuri was losing himself into. “Stay with me Yuuri! Remember to breathe! Breathe with me, Yuuri, okay? Inhale, please Yuuri… And exhale. Good!”

Slowly, Phichit’s voice got stronger and lost it’s biting edge, and Yuuri was able to gain his breath back by clinging into his friend’s even voice, somehow succeeding to match his rhythm. Once Yuuri wasn’t shaking as violently, Phichit smiled and loosened his grip on him, not letting him go just yet. “Great job, Yuuri! You’re doing so great, I’m so proud of you. Would you like to have some water?”

“Don’t,” Yuuri whispered, his voice just as tiny and pathetic as he felt. “Please, don’t leave me…”

“I won’t,” Phichit said, rubbing smooth circles onto Yuuri’s back, pressing him tighter against his body. “I’m here, Yuuri. It’s alright.”

The sobs escaped from his body as if they were pulled out of him without permission, and Yuuri held onto Phichit as if his life was in his hands. He wailed until there were no tears left to spill, and after that he just slumped on top of his friend, who supported his weight with ease. All the way through Yuuri’s outburst, Phichit kept whispering soft, calming words to his ears, smoothing his fingers in his back.

“I kissed Viktor,” Yuuri said in a barely audible voice, and Phichit stilled for a fraction of a second before continuing to rub his back.

“Is that what caused the attack?”

Yuuri nodded, grateful for his friend for not jumping into giving him a lecture first hand. He felt the last ounce of tension leave his body, and found himself incredibly hungry. Phichit chuckled softly when Yuuri’s stomach growled.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Yuuri shook his head. “Later. Not now.”

“Then we should probably go eat something,” Phichit said, not moving an inch. “What do you want?”

“Curry,” Yuuri said immediately, the mere picture of Phichit’s curry in his mind making his mouth water. “But I don’t think we have any.”

“Has it stopped me before?” Phichit laughed, and Yuuri felt strong affection towards his best friend. He looked up at him, wondering how it was possible that someone like him had managed to get such a great friend.

“You can tell me about it while I prepare the food if you want to,” Phichit said it just like that, putting no pressure to Yuuri to speak. Yuuri wanted to tell his friend how much he appreciated him, but found himself in a lack for words. He could only nod, and then rose from the bed with Phichit letting him lean into him.

Phichit clicked on every light on their way to the kitchen, humming softly to a tune Yuuri was sure he had heard playing on the radio a couple of times. Phichit sat Yuuri down to the table and begun rummaging through their cupboards and refrigerator for ingredients.

He put a glass of water in front of Yuuri with a smile. “Drink it, you should hydrate yourself. Get some water inside that body ~”

Yuuri snickered, but took the glass to his lips anyway, drinking it empty with one long gulp. He felt the cold water go down his throat and all the way to his stomach, making goosebumps to his arms. The refreshment made his eyes clearer, and Yuuri sighed when his head felt lighter already.

He looked at the clock on the microwave, and felt immensely guilty for making Phichit cook when he realised it was nearly half past five in the morning. The thai man was seasoning the chicken, already settled on telling Yuuri some story about how that one food blog he followed had made some terrible curry.

“Like, can you believe they didn’t put any sweet potatoes in it? Like, no honey, that’s really not how it’s made if you want it to taste like anything,” he rambled on, and Yuuri smiled, his heart swelling as he looked his best friend work in the kitchen. “Anyways, my grandma would turn in her grave if she knew of it.”

“Luckily you know how to make decent curry,” Yuuri chirped, chuckling softly when he saw the look of mock hurt on Phichit’s face.

“ _ Decent _ ?” his best friend said in a high-pitched voice. “This is the best damn curry you’ve ever tasted and you know it, mr  _ I-can’t-even-boil-water-without-setting-the-whole-kitchen-on-fire _ .”

“That was one time!” Yuuri was quick to defend himself. “You promised to never mention it!”

Phichit had a devilish smile on his face, and Yuuri felt giddy with the light joking, even if it was on his expense. The uneasiness after the sleep paralysis was almost all gone, replaced with gratitude towards his friend.

“Well, I think I might just rethink my promises if you keep insulting my grandma’s undefeatable recipes,” Phichit clicked his tongue, making his point stronger with a snap from his spatula.

They continued joking while Phichit finished the curry and cooked the rice, Yuuri helping by making them an easy salad consisting of just tomatoes, cucumber and lettuce. Once the meal was ready, Phichit washed some plates for the both of them, and they sat to the table. 

Neither was touching their food, and Yuuri felt the tension between them growing thicker and thicker by every minute, and soon it was so strong you could’ve cut through it with a butter knife.

Phichit cleared his throat, but Yuuri beat him to opening his mouth, his words spoken quietly.

“He took me to his grandparents’ place,” he said, and Phichit’s eyes widened slightly. “He wanted me to see the northern lights. There was snow everywhere, Phichit, it was so beautiful… And he looked even more beautiful amidst it all.”

“Yuuri,” Phichit whispered, but Yuuri shrugged him off, wanting to get this out while he had the courage. He took a long breath, and continued.

“He told me how he admired his grandparents, their ability to love each other even though their families were against their marriage,” Yuuri’s chest tightened, and he shuddered when a sudden cold flushed through his body. “He - he told me… He said that he wanted to find love like that, even once in his lifetime. He said he wanted to find someone to love who would love him in return.”

Yuuri looked up to Phichit, his eyes filled with unshed tears, his hand holding the fork shaking vigorously. “And then, he asked me - he asked me if he could - could  _ kiss _ me, and I just - I couldn’t hold it back anymore. And Phichit - it was the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

Phichit inhaled sharply, his hand twitching towards him as if he was trying to grab him, but decided against it in the middle. Yuuri closed his eyes and breathed slowly, not trusting himself to not break down in tears at any given second.

“It - it felt so  _ good _ . It felt as if, as if for the first time in my life, I was truly alive. He breathed  _ life  _ into me, Phichit,” Yuuri’s voice was high and shaking throughout, and Phichit didn’t hold back this time as he put his hand softly on top of Yuuri’s, giving him a soft squeeze. Yuuri returned it, the small gesture making it much easier for him to breathe. “And then I - I remembered -”

Yuuri choked, the sharp pain the realisation had brought him still fresh on his mind, and he couldn’t bring himself to tell Phichit it was his words that had shattered the bubble Viktor had pulled himself into. He fought hard to steady his breath, and decided it best if he left the small detail out.

“And then, I remembered I was dreaming,” Yuuri said, and all the emotions in his voice dried out. “And suddenly, it didn’t feel so magical anymore. I realised that none of it was real, that Viktor wasn’t real. And it  _ hurt _ , Phichit. It hurt so much I didn’t know what to do. It was as if someone had set my insides on fire in the worst way possible. And I couldn’t control my emotions, and the next thing I know, I was having a sleep paralysis.”

“Oh, Yuuri,” Phichit whispered, and pulled Yuuri closer to him into a tight embrace. Yuuri had no tears left to shed, his chest tightening from all the pain he’d endured and held inside, and he found the feeling unbearable.

“I know you said I shouldn’t fall in love, and I know I said I wouldn’t,” Yuuri whispered, the pain in his chest increasing rapidly, making his head dizzy. “But it all occurred so fast, I didn’t even realise it was happening until it did!”

“And - and -” Yuuri felt the hot tears burn his eyes, refusing to spill but still very present. “And now I don’t know what to do.”

“You’re going to be fine,” Phichit stated firmly, patting Yuuri’s back to comfort him. “We’re going to get through this together. First, we’re going to buy you some sleeping pills, and soon enough you’ll get over him.”

Yuuri felt awful for thinking that he didn’t _want_ to get over Viktor. He was the first person he’d ever fallen for, and to think he could ever ditch these feelings was unbearable. But as he looked at his friend’s hopeful features, he decided there was no way he could ever tell that to him. So he smiled, nodded and thanked Phichit for always being there for him, always helping him find the right thing to do.

“That’s what friends are for,” Phichit said happily, and Yuuri felt his chest tighten with the uneasiness inside him. “But we should really eat before this gets cold! Even my curry ain’t that good once it’s cooled down. Still, it’s the best no matter what, but it’s better served hot.”

Yuuri smiled, and took his fork in hand, digging in even though his hunger from earlier had turned to emptiness long ago. The food tasted bland, but Yuuri forced himself to swallow every forkful, fearing Phichit’s reaction if he was to stop midway through.

*

Phichit kept his promise, and they went to buy Yuuri sleeping pills the next day. Yuuri felt conflicted about using them, but ate one when Phichit looked so hopeful. He went to bed, Phichit tugging him in and shutting the lights.

Soon, the darkness swallowed Yuuri, and he drifted into a heavy, dreamless sleep.

He continued to take the pills through the next two weeks, every day managing to feel more exhausted than the day before. He focused all his energy on schoolwork and trying to come up with something else than Viktor to paint for the competition, and after a quick talk with his teacher, he settled into drawing a scenery of the northern lights. 

Phichit frowned when he Yuuri told him his choice in painting, but didn’t comment on it other than the usual couraging words. Yuuri felt stupid for choosing to paint something so strictly related to Viktor, but every other option simply just felt weird.

He hoped that by creating this piece, he would finalize the fact that he and Viktor could never be together, no matter how much either of them wanted it. But no matter how he tried, Yuuri found himself thinking of Viktor even more than ever before. It was as if the silver haired man was a plague filling his mind, making him unable to tear his thoughts off from the moments they had shared. 

After the second week on sleeping pills started, Yuuri felt the urge to see Viktor again so strongly it overpowered his need to stay away from the forbidden fantasy.

He was finishing the first draft on the canvas one day when his phone started buzzing on the table. He went to pick it up, sighing internally when he saw the caller ID. He felt guilty of feeling such displeasure in answering his sister, but talking to his family was the last thing he wanted at the moment. He could just feel the guilt gnawing inside of him when he answered the video call, plastering a smile onto his face when Mari’s unimpressed scowl came to live.

“Haven’t heard of you in a while, thought you might be dead,” Mari greeted him, and Yuuri’s stomach lurched with the unease Mari just dumped inside it. “How’s life been treating you?”

“It’s been okay, just a little busy,” Yuuri laughed restrainedly, not commenting on the cigarette between Mari’s teeth she was currently lighting. “I signed myself into this competition of sorts, it was kind of required from me really… Are the parents okay? Has there been many customers?”

“Mom’s doing great,” Mari said, hesitating for a second before continuing. “Father’s been pretty okay, his leg hasn’t hurt so much lately.”

“That’s good to hear,” Yuuri sighed in relief, knowing that after his father fell on the stairs and broke his kneecap three years ago things had been a lot harder at home. Hearing how he’d gotten better made Yuuri’s heart swell with affection and admiration towards the old man. “I trust it you’re making sure he doesn’t overwork himself?”

“Duh,” Mari shrugged as it was self explanatory, and Yuuri smiled at the gesture. Mari was a force of nature, orbiting around her family like a protective cheetah taking care of everyone, not submitting to the wills of others. Mari seemed to hesitate for a moment, the cigarette hanging from her mouth as if it was going to fall any given second. “The fall festival was last month.”

“Oh, did it go well?” Yuuri knew the festival was one of the most important weeks of the year for their family, since Hasetsu was usually full of tourists, which meant more customers. Mari’s deadpan face told Yuuri all he needed to know, and the guilt inside of him increased a tenfold.  _ If I’d only been there to help… _

“Well, it was nothing we could do about it, really,” Mari muttered, the bitterness just barely kept out of her voice. “There weren’t even third of the customers as last year, but it wasn’t just our onsen. There were fewer booths at the festival, and that dude from the store told us he had hardly half of the usual amount of people coming for charms.”

Even though Mari said there was nothing they could do about the lack in customers, Yuuri couldn’t help but feel he was partly to blame for the decrease in tourism. He shifted uncomfortably from one foot to another, avoiding Mari’s eyes as he tried to keep his voice even and the guilt unnoticeable.

“Would it have helped if I had been there?” he asked, fearing that the answer might be ‘yes’. If Mari said so, Yuuri had no idea if he could keep himself from dying out of shame. “If I had had more paintings to sell, like I had back then… It was our best year, wasn’t it?”

Mari sighed, blowing smoke out of her nostrils before shaking her head. “I don’t think that would’ve made any difference, really. Hasetsu is dying, Yuuri. You know, I heard mother speaking with father about selling this place. I’m not sure she meant it, but it can’t have been just a joke either if they’re talking about it.”

Yuuri’s body froze from head to toe, and he was finding it very hard to breathe. He managed to smile, albeit restrained, and forced himself to speak in an even tone to not raise any suspicions. “But the onsen has been our family business over so many generations…”

“Well, what good can come of it if there are no customers?” Mari sighed, her eyes dulled. Yuuri thought that she looked way too old for someone her age, the bags under her eyes telling him she must’ve taken all the work their father had had to abandon. “It’s like trying to stop a wildfire with only a bucket with a hole in the bottom and the nearest well placed over a mile away. I think we might have four, five years left at tops, but it would be the best to just let it go before total bankruptcy.”

The mere idea made Yuuri’s insides turn upside down. “Is it really that bad?”

Mari gave him a pointed look, one eyebrow lifted as she shook her head. “Well, if we don’t have some kind of miracle that would make an outburst of tourists here, then yes, it is really that bad. Have you considered coming home?”

The question threw Yuuri off track, and he muttered something incoherent before blushing in embarrassment, knowing he’d promised himself to get home next break.  _ Well, that is not going to happen if I want to participate in the competition _ .

“It’s just - I’ve been busy,” Yuuri said, his voice squeaking under the piercing gaze Mari threw at him. She could be very intimidating when she wanted to be, and Yuuri alway tried his best to not be the one the look was directed to. “And besides, there’s the competition approaching and I haven’t been able to think of much else.”

_ Expect maybe every single second, as Viktor is constantly in your mind you idiot. _

Mari’s eyes narrowed, and she sensed the lie before Yuuri managed to mutter it out. She didn’t move a muscle for a whole minute, studying Yuuri before answering bluntly: “You’re seeing someone.”

Yuuri’s blush deepened, and he hurried to deny everything, but the way Mari tsk’ed and lit another cigarette told him his words were going to deaf ears. Mari looked at him pointedly, shaking her head in amusement until Yuuri’s protests died down.

“Well, who is he? I bet he’s special to make you go like this.”

Yuuri both hated and loved the way his heart fluttered in his chest when he realised how easily Mari accepted the fact that he could be dating someone.

“It’s not that simple,” Yuuri’s voice was small, and he startled when Mari scowled, her eyes flaming when she looked at Yuuri.

“Does he treat you well?” her voice was demanding, and Yuuri gulped before denying.  _ It wasn’t Viktor’s fault he was feeling like this _ . Mari looked skeptical. “Are you sure? ‘Cause it seems to me you’re not that happy about this. Tell me, he doesn’t hurt you? I swear I’ll beat the shit out of him if he’s ever laid his hands on you.”

“It’s not like that at all,” Yuuri reassured her, sighing miserably as tears began to swell behind his eyes. He didn’t want her to see him in this state, but there was nowhere he could run now. “It’s just - we can’t see each other anymore. And Mari, it’s killing me.”

“Did he say that?” Mari asked. “Because if he did he was a right shithead.”

Yuuri chuckled wetly, loving his sister dearly for defending him, but felt slightly exasperated for her ability to jump into conclusions so quickly. “No, it was me. I don’t think it would work between us, and I wanted to cut it before it got too far.”

Mari was silent for a while, and Yuuri used the time to compose himself. It wouldn’t do him any good if he was bawling his eyes off while trying to convince her that there was no need for her to come to Detroit to beat anyone up.

“Well, I don’t know the situation, but as your sister I have the right to say that I think you’re being rather stupid,” Mari said casually, shrugging as she looked at her little brother. “I’ve never seen you with anyone, and judging by the way you react when you think of him, I’m getting the idea that this is pretty serious. You know what? I’d say you should go for it, really. You can never know whether it will work or not if you don’t even try. Love is a leap of faith, you should know that by now if you’ve had any eyes watching our parents.”

Yuuri felt a lump in his throat, and only managed to croak the smallest  _ yes  _ in the history of all the  _ yeses _ , but Mari just shook her head and told him to take care of himself before ending the phone, not after she’d made Yuuri promise to call her more often.

After the call ended, Yuuri slouched towards the couch, tossing his phone to it before burying his hands on his face. Why was his heart beating so fast,  _ again _ ? It seemed to be happening awfully lot lately.

_ I’d say you should go for it… You can never know whether it will work or not if you don’t even try… Love is a leap of faith…  _

Mari’s words played over and over again in his head, and Yuuri felt the tiny sliver of hope he’d felt over the past weeks quadrupling inside of him. It was as if all he’d needed was a blessing from someone from his family, and now he was ready to pursuit Viktor all over again.

_ But will Viktor welcome you back after what you did? What if he isn’t there anymore? _

Yuuri steeled himself, ignoring the dark thoughts consuming his mind as he rolled over on the couch, burying his face on the cushion, effectively blocking all sources of light from his sight.

_ It’s like Mari said, you’ll never know if you never try _ .

He emptied his mind, focusing solely on getting into a lucid dream, the image of the long, silvery locks filling his mind as he began to fall asleep.

*

“Yuuri!” Viktor’s unmistakable voice echoed from somewhere in the darkness, and Yuuri’s heart leaped in his chest. He struggled to stand up, the tingling in his arms and legs stronger than usual as he struggled to keep his balance. He didn’t dare to open his eyes just yet, but gasped softly when he felt strong arms scooping him off the ground, pressing him tightly against a firm chest before walking him towards warmth.

Yuuri’s eyes fluttered open, and his chest swelled with emotions when he saw Viktor, his beautiful Viktor staring at him, his ocean blue eyes glowing like the northern lights from before.

“Hello there,” Viktor smiled, his voice reflecting the emotions inside Yuuri’s heart. He sat down to the perch, not letting Yuuri go from his arms as he helped him settle to his lap. “You got me really worried when you disappeared. I’m so happy you came back, Yuuri.”

Yuuri shivered under the intensity of Viktor’s eyes, and wondered how he’d ever thought he could stay away from him. He reached out for Viktor, gently pulling his fingers through the long locks of silvery hair framing his face in the most ethereal way.

“You look so beautiful,” Yuuri whispered back, his eyes eating up the man in front of him hungrily. “I’m so sorry I ever ran off.”

“It’s okay, you’re here now,” Viktor said, and leaned in to peck a soft kiss to Yuuri’s forehead. The touch of his lips sent sparks down Yuuri’s face all the way to his chest and to the tips of his fingers. Viktor’s voice softened as he pressed his forehead against Yuuri’s hair, inhaling in the scent of the man of his dreams. “I was so so worried, I feared that you might never come back.”

Yuuri smiled softly, feeling happy and relaxed against Viktor’s chest. “Viktor, there’s someplace I want to show you.”

“Is there?” Viktor sounded slightly surprised, but Yuuri could feel him smile against his head as he pressed his chin onto Yuuri’s hair. “Where do you want to take me?”

“It’s a surprise,” Yuuri said, reluctantly detaching himself from Viktor’s warm and welcoming embrace. He felt dizzy at how easily they had fallen back into their old rhythm, as if the last time had never happened at all. Yuuri knew they still had to discuss it, sooner rather than later, but he really wanted to take Viktor to this one place first.

“Could you close your eyes, please?” Yuuri said in a soft tone, smiling when Viktor obliged. He then took the russian man’s slender hand to his own, closing his eyes and concentrating on his destination. When the smell of the fresh Spring air paled his nose, he dared to open his eyes, gasping when he saw how beautiful his memories had made Hasetsu.

“We’re here,” Yuuri said, and watched keenly as Viktor slowly opened his eyes, inhaling sharply before his whole face lit up in awe. They were currently in the garden of the onsen, surrounded by the dozens of cherry trees blooming all around them, filling the windy air with pink petals.

“This is beautiful,” Viktor whispered, his voice quiet as if he was afraid to speak up and shatter the moment. Yuuri squeezed his hand shortly before pulling him towards the hot spring, wanting them to get the full experience.

“This is my family’s resort in Hasetsu, Japan,” Yuuri explained as they walked the stony path towards the bathhouse. “I grew up in here, and only moved to Detroit to attend college. I used to love this time of the year, when the sakura trees would be blossoming and the onsen would be hot against the brisk air. It holds this kind of a magical aura around it, and I love everything about it.”

“It is very breathtaking in here,” Viktor admitted, his voice filled with adoration. He smiled widely when they reached the edge of the onsen, the steaming water rising up to the sky to join the flying cherry blossoms. “Are we going to get in there?”

“Yes,” Yuuri answered, blushing when he thought of seeing Viktor taking his clothes off flashed in his mind. “We should probably just undress and get in?”

Viktor nodded, a faint red spreading down his cheeks as he kept his eyes firmly on the ground. Yuuri felt his heart tighten with how adorable he looked, and the idea that Viktor would get so bashful made him giddy all of a sudden. He quickly tossed his clothes into a neat pile near the stony edge, and sank into the steaming water, moaning aloud when he relaxed against the stones, every muscle in his body feeling free.

Viktor’s whole face was crimson red by the timehe finally had gotten rid of his clothes, and he hurried to follow Yuuri to sit beside him. He left no distance between them, and Yuuri blushed when their thighs brushed against each other.

“So uhm,” Yuuri stuttered, feeling his brain go hazy from everything that was going on, Viktor’s deliciously gorgeous body not helping him form coherent thoughts in the slightest. “I uhm, I wanted to take you here because, I ah -”

Viktor grabbed his hand to his own, squeezing it once as he looked at Yuuri straight in the eyes. “It’s okay, Yuuri. There’s no need to be nervous.”

Yuuri relaxed after the words, feeling utterly thankful for Viktor’s presence. “I wanted to take you here because I wanted you to see the place I grew up in. Like you showed me your grandparents place…”

Yuuri could sense the mood dropping slightly, but he knew they had to talk about what exactly happened last time, and knew it was better to just get to it than bottle it up and never mention the whole thing ever again, no matter how appealing the idea was. He sighed and looked up at Viktor, not liking the situation in the slightest.

“Viktor,” he said slowly, stretching each syllable with care, loving the way the russian man’s name rolled of his tongue.  _ Vi-ku-to-ru _ . Viktor’s ears turned slightly reddish when he turned to look at Yuuri, his eyes sparkling with both tenderness and curiosity.

“Yes, Yuu~uri?”

Yuuri blushed when he heard the way Viktor stretched the ‘u’ in his name in return, but quickly shook his head and tried his best to concentrate on the matter at hand.  _ Oh God, why does he have to be so distracting? _

“I just - it’s just that,” Yuuri closed his eyes and breathed in through his nose, wanting to minimize the shakiness and stuttering as much as he could. Viktor waited patiently as Yuuri collected himself, and was still staring at him fondly when he opened his eyes a couple minutes after.

“I think we need to talk.”

Viktor nodded, his face dropping and shoulders tensing, but he never tore his eyes off of Yuuri. “Yeah, I think you’re right. Doesn’t mean I want to, but we have to.”

“It’s hard,” Yuuri sighed, his fingers pressing at his cuticles as he struggled to find the right words. “I guess that I should apologise first.”

“There’s no need -”

Yuuri interrupted Viktor’s protest by lifting his hand and shaking his head, and Viktor reluctantly closed his mouth. “There is and I will,” he took a deep breath, “Viktor, I’m so sorry for the way I reacted. It’s just, I was so - I  _ am _ very scared. So scared, I’m  _ frightened _ of how this could work between us. Viktor, I tried so hard to not develop any feelings for you, but it was so hard, I couldn’t stop myself, and then it was too late already.”

“Oh, Yuuri,” Viktor hiccuped, his eyes teary and red. “It will work, we will make this work -”

“How?” Yuuri threw his hands in the air, splashing water all around them. He sounded hysteric, and had to yet again calm himself down before he could continue. He avoided looking at Viktor, as his heartbeat skyrocketed every time their eyes met.

“Viktor…”

“It’s okay, I know it might seem we can’t be together, but -”

“There’s no but,” Yuuri said exasperatedly, the conflicted emotions inside him swarming like blowflies. “Our emotions don’t matter. I can’t give you my everything if the only place I can see you is here, inside my own dream. You know that, Viktor, don’t try to deny it. I want to kiss you, for real, I want to see you and cuddle you and wake up next to you to tell you how beautiful you are every morning -”

“We could have that,” Viktor’s voice was small and pleading, and Yuuri had to bit back the tears that threatened to spill. It was just his luck to find a guy who actually wanted to be with him, only to never be able to be together.

“How, Viktor, how exactly could we have that?” Yuuri was crying for real now, the hot tears burning his cheeks, his voice thick and wavering as he shuddered, turning to look at Viktor, startling slightly when he saw the other man in tears, too. “Please, tell me…”

Viktor inhaled sharply, putting his hand ever so gently to Yuuri’s shoulder. “Do you remember when you asked me where I came from? The first time we met?”

Yuuri nodded, the meeting still fresh in his mind although it had been weeks ago. He wondered if he could ever forget that day, the day when he’d first met this incredible human being.

“You remember what I answered?”

“That you’re from Russia…”

“I was telling the truth,” Viktor removed his hand from Yuuri, his whole body shaking as he averted his eyes, his hair falling to his face to hide his emotions. “That morning, I was in Moscow. I’m there at the moment, and probably will be forever.”

Yuuri blinked when the words registered to his mind, and he gasped.  _ Could this mean…? _

“I don’t know why I didn’t tell you this earlier,” Viktor continued, his voice sounding smaller and more vulnerable than ever before. “I guess I didn’t want you to worry. I know now that it was stupid of me, especially since you’ve been nothing but honest with me ever since the beginning. But believe me when I say I was  _ terrified _ of how you’d react if I told you the truth.”

“What truth?” Yuuri whispered, his mind racing straight to the worst-case-scenarios.

“That I - that I’m,” Viktor shuddered, his voice thick with emotions, and he choked on his words. Yuuri rushed by his side, wrapping his arms softly around the taller man. Viktor clinged to his touch with all he got, and Yuuri felt utterly grateful that he hadn’t pushed him away.

“Yuuri,” Viktor whispered, and Yuuri hugged him tighter, wanting to show through his actions that no matter what Viktor had to say, he would give him his one hundred percent support. Viktor took few deep breaths before he calmed down enough to continue. His voice was small, and hearing it broke Yuuri’s heart.

“I’m a real person, Yuuri. I’ve been living in a hospital in Moscow for the better part of last five years. And before you even ask, yes, it is life threatening.” Yuuri inhaled sharply, his nails digging to Viktor’s waist when he heard the last part, but Viktor shook his head. “It’s not as bad as it sounds, the doctors have given me at least five more years. Even ten, if I am lucky”

Yuuri’s breath hitched in his throat, and he had to tear himself away from Viktor so he could lift the other man’s face to meet his, and when he looked inside Viktor’s teary eyes, he realised everything he’d said had been true.

“ _ Viktor _ …”

“I was in an accident that left me in coma,” Viktor pressed on, gaining more strength as he went on. It was as if a dam had been broken, and the words came flowing freely after being repressed for so long. “I could hear everything that happened around me, from the doctor’s monotonous speech to my parents crying beside me. It was horrible, I remember how I tried my everything to move even just a one muscle. I kept screaming inside my head for someone to listen to me, but to no avail.”

Viktor looked so miserable Yuuri’s heart broke all over again. He physically ached for the man, feeling the terrible, unimaginable pain Viktor must’ve been in. 

_ It’s like he was in a sleep paralysis that never ended… _

“And then, when three years had passed, I heard my mother say to my father that she wished I would just die so it’d be easier for everyone.”

“Oh, Viktor,” Yuuri choked, and wiped Viktor’s tears off with his thumbs. “My sweet, sweet Viktor…”

He leaned forward, asking silently for Viktor’s approval, and after the man nodded slightly, he pressed their lips softly together. The kiss was gentle, almost fragile, as if they were both afraid the other would broke to pieces if they used more force. Yuuri let his breath ghost over Viktor’s for a while when they parted, and kept his hands cupping his cheeks, pressing their foreheads together.

“I’m so sorry, Viktor,” he said, staring at Viktor’s eyes. “It must be so horrible for you…”

“It doesn’t matter,” Viktor answered, his eyes sparkling as he stared back. “I’d go through all that again if it meant I could meet you again, Yuuri.”

Yuuri didn’t know how to answer to that so that he could convey all the same emotions Viktor’s words had stirred inside him, and so he did the only thing that felt right; he kissed Viktor with all he had. The russian man let out a surprised squeak, but soon melted into the kiss, moaning when Yuuri’s demanding lips opened his mouth and sticked his tongue inside the hot heat.

The kiss lasted to the point Yuuri’s head was dizzy and he felt as if he was floating above the water, and he had to broke them apart to breathe. He drew in a couple deep breaths before surging back, wanting to explore every inch of Viktor’s mouth, to draw out every sigh and gasp he could possibly get out of him.

“Yuuri…” Viktor whispered once they parted again, his lips pink and swollen, a droplet of saliva dripping down his cheek as he looked at Yuuri with dilated eyes. “That was… wow…”

“Speechless?” Yuuri giggled, kissing the top of Viktor’s nose, not able to contain the huge smile that broke to his face. “It was - it was good.”

“Just good?” Viktor raised his eyebrow, his flushed cheeks just slightly ruining the effect. Yuuri laughed before pressing his face to Viktor’s neck, throwing small kisses down his chin, lingering on his adam’s apple before continuing down to his neck.

“Yu - uri,” Viktor breathed, and Yuuri sucked hard on his collarbones, wanting to leave his mark on the man even if it wouldn’t really appear on Viktor’s skin. The thought made him giddy, and so he continued.

After they’d kissed for some ten minutes more, Viktor leaned against the dark stone, and Yuuri slid to lean against his chest, them both trading adoring looks to each other.

“Promise me,” Viktor said quietly after they’d stayed still for a while, and Yuuri looked up from his lap to see the concern behind the ocean blue eyes. “Promise me, Yuuri, that you won’t go looking after me. Please, promise me you won’t go to Moscow to find me. I don’t want you to see me, not until I’ve woken up and am able to see you too.”

Yuuri felt his stomach burn with guilt, but just one look into Viktor’s eyes made the decision easy.  _ I couldn’t lie to him… _ “I promise you, I won’t go to Russia to see you, I’m happy with the way things are now. But please, I would love to see you someday… Please, let me see you if you show no signs of waking up. I couldn’t handle it if you died and I’d not been there for you.”

Viktor looked like he wanted to refuse, but something in Yuuri’s expression made him melt. “Okay, I promise. You can visit me sometime.”

Yuuri nodded, resting his head back against Viktor’s chest, humming contently as the hot water surrounded them, the cherry blossoms making the air smell magical.

Yuuri heard a loud thud, and his heart jolted in his chest. He looked at Viktor in alarm, and gasped when his eyes started hurting, his limbs tickling as the onsen around him tilted. Viktor looked at him, confused, and Yuuri did his best to fight waking up.

“I think it’s Phichit - my roommate -” Yuuri said in a rush, wanting to explain as much as he could to Viktor before he inevitably would wake up. “But I’ll come back tomorrow, I promise!”

“It’s okay, Yuuri,” Viktor said, kissing Yuuri’s forehead gently as the japanese man started to fade away. “Take your time, and remember to sleep. I’ll be waiting for you in here.”


	5. Chapter 5

Yuuri kept staring at the finished painting in front of him, a deep frown upon his face. The setting sun had cast its last rays of light to illuminate the still wet canvas, creating the illusion of the aurora borealis being alive, sparkling and breathing right in front of his eyes. But Yuuri felt unease in his heart, letting his eyes drop away from the easel as he sighed.

_ It is lacking something… _

“Yuuri? Are you still in there?” a knock on the door startled Yuuri, and he squinted when the lights were suddenly flicked on. He nodded as he noticed his teacher stepping inside the classroom, and made room for the older man when he saw the silent question on his wrinkled face.

“It’s finished, but don’t get your -” Yuuri muttered, wincing when he heard the sharp intake of breath from the man.

“Beautiful!” the teacher could barely hold back the elated tone as he hurried to praise Yuuri’s handiwork. “It’s intense, but serene at the same time. I love that you used blue and purple instead of the usual green and red. Huh, this really takes me back to the time I was a transfer student in Iceland…”

Yuuri felt uneasy hearing his teacher’s words. He knew the painting most probably didn’t suck as much as he thought it did, but he just couldn’t shake off the feeling his teacher was lying to him to make him feel better after failing.

“I don’t know, I think it lacks depth,” he couldn’t bring himself to look at the canvas any longer.

“Nonsense, I think it’s very interpretative,” the teacher nodded before clasping his hands together and turning to look at Yuuri, who was currently trying to blend into the background with his best effort. “You were faster than I’d thought! Now, if I still have your consent, I’d love to take the painting and send them to the juries. I know it’s still over a half a month until the deadline is, but better early than late.”

Yuuri had to gather every ounce of willpower he still had left to nod, even though he’d given anything to have burned the piece on the spot. He chatted a while with the teacher, leaving the classroom with him before parting ways at the school entrance. His teacher’s final words rang in his head the whole way back home, making his insides turn into lead.

_ “Don’t you worry too much, Yuuri, I’m confident you’ll have a high chance of winning the whole competition!” _

*

Yuuri let the door click shut behind him before collapsing to the floor, his mind nearly crumbling under the pressure the teacher had thrusted upon him. As he struggled to steady his breathing, he wondered if seeing Viktor now would be a good idea. After all, he didn’t have any schoolwork that needed his immediate attention.

He didn’t need much convincing, as the second he imagined those strong arms scooping him up from the floor to enclose him into a tight embrace, his mind was set. How he had ever made it through before having a Viktor to cuddle with, he didn’t know. But now that he did, there was no way he would let any opportunities to see him slip through his fingers.

Ever since their talk at the onsen, Yuuri and Viktor had gotten tremendously closer together. The japanese man had taken more time out of his schedule to spend with him, and soon enough he was barely seen at school apart from the time he’d been finishing his painting.

When Yuuri closed his door and put his bag down, a sliver of guilt flashed in his stomach. He hadn’t yet told Phichit about the fact that he was seeing Viktor again. He had tried to, several times, but it had always ended up with him lacking the courage to face Phichit’s possible reaction.

The rational part in Yuuri knew that Phichit would never hate him, that no matter how much he would disagree with Yuuri’s decisions, he would always be there to support him in the end. But it was a whole different thing to know it than to understand it, and so weeks passed and Yuuri was yet to break him the news.

He sighed as he fell onto of his bed, pushing the intrusive thoughts away to prepare himself to meet Viktor again. He needed comfort, needed the calm support the russian man radiated around with his mere presence.

_ Phichit can wait, _ Yuuri reassured himself as he screwed his eyes shut and curled into a comfortable position on top of the covers.  _ What I need right now is Viktor. _

*

“This feels nice,” Viktor sighed as he snuggled himself closer to his boyfriend. Yuuri closed his eyes as he felt the warm breath ghosting against his cheek, and leaned into the comforting touch of the taller man. “You're so soft…”

“You’re the one to speak,” Yuuri chuckled, poking Viktor’s cheek with his index finger. “Your skin is in such a perfect condition I’m almost jealous!”

“You can thank my Korean skincare routine for that,” Viktor said, kissing the finger Yuuri had poked him with, making the japanese man blush quite adorably. “It’s very complex and has several different interphases…”

Yuuri snorted, shaking his head as he imagined Viktor coating his face with different oils and masks every night. “Too much effort, who has the time for that?”

Viktor laughed. “Then you have no right to complain if my skin has more glow than yours~”

Yuuri chuckled, and settled into a comfortable silence, feeling secure in Viktor’s arms. He had already vented out his frustrations about the whole art competition thing, and it was all but forgotten already. Now, as he looked at Viktor’s peaceful face as he laid on the hammock with him, he couldn’t help but burst with joy.

“I wish we could stay like this forever,” Yuuri whispered. For a second, Viktor’s arms around him tensed, but the moment was gone so quickly Yuuri didn’t notice it at all. He felt more than heard the chuckles as Viktor smiled at his words, pecking a kiss to his cheek softly before answering.

“I wish that, too.”

*

“Yuuri.”

Yuuri lifted his head, almost having fallen asleep for real in Viktor’s arms. He frowned when he realised the man wasn’t lying next to him anymore, but had risen and was currently kneeling on the ground with Makkachin. “What is it, Vitya?”

Viktor’s long hair was flowing in the wind, making his frame look like it belonged into a romantic movie set in the 19th century. Yuuri felt his heart swell as he looked at the most beautiful man in front of him, wondering how lucky he was to have met him.

“Yuuri,” Viktor repeated, lifting his eyes off the ground, revealing the sadness behind the sparkling blue eyes as he met Yuuri’s gaze. “Do you still remember what you promised me?”

Yuuri’s stomach lurched uncomfortably. “What do you mean?”

“Back in your family’s resort, what did you promise me?” Viktor asked again, taking a step closer to the man in front of him. “Please, Yuuri, say it to me again.”

“I promised - that I -” Yuuri felt his stomach drop. His breathing was growing shallow as he mumbled the words out, fearing that any second now, Viktor would disappear and never come back.

“I promised that I wouldn’t come looking for you, no matter what,” Yuuri finally managed to finish the sentence. He was shaking thoroughly, and closed his eyes when he felt a hot tear fall down his cheek.  _ Why was Viktor bringing this up now? _

“Yuuri,” Viktor hurried to his side, wrapping his arms around him tightly, bringing the security and comfort Yuuri had learned to yearn for. “Please don’t cry, Yuuri, you’re making me cry.”

“Does this - does this mean that you’re - that you’re -”

“I’m so sorry, Yuuri,” Viktor’s voice was thick with emotions, and he pressed his lips to Yuuri’s forehead gently. “I didn’t mean to startle you…”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” Viktor sighed, hugging Yuuri tighter as if he was trying to squeeze out all the sadness from him, lowering his face to rest in his shoulder. “I should’ve used a gentler tone, and picked out a better moment for this. I just wanted to hear that you haven’t forgotten it, that’s all…”

Yuuri felt comforted by Viktor’s words, but only by a sliver. He couldn’t shake off the strange atmosphere that had settled between them, thickened by the unasked questions and silent doubts.

“Viktor,” Yuuri said after he’d pondered about the situation for a moment. He knew himself, knew how he had the tendency to jump into conclusions and let his mind magnify things that were simple, and thus he knew he needed a firm confirmation that things were really alright.

“Mhm?” Viktor’s voice was muffled, as his face was still pressed in the crook of Yuuri’s neck.

“Please, I want you to promise me you’ll tell me if there is something wrong. No matter how minor it might seem, I want you to promise you’ll let me know, okay?”

Viktor tensed, and Yuuri inhaled, his fingers digging into Viktor’s sides as he held his breath while he waited for Viktor’s answer.

After what felt like an eternity, Viktor let out a shaky breath. “Of course, Yuuri. I will tell you if there’s anything wrong.”

Yuuri smiled, finally able to let his concerns behind. He leaned his head against Viktor’s chest, closing his eyes as he let the warmth of his boyfriend envelope him completely.

“Could we do something nice next weekend?” he asked after they’d cuddled for a while. He looked up at Viktor, kissing his chin softly. “We could go to the beach, or something…”

Viktor took a while to answer, but the smile he shoot towards Yuuri was radiating.

“I would love to.”

  
  


*

As the weekend crept closer, Yuuri spend more time with Phichit. He wanted to soften him as not to arouse so much suspicion if he would spend the whole weekend locked up in his room, sleeping. He hadn’t been taking the sleeping pills like he’d promised to, but seeing that Viktor was now more than just a friend to him, he knew it was okay.

“Do you have any plans for the weekend?” Yuuri asked, feigning nonchalance as he took a sip of the latte in his hands. They were currently walking around the lakeside, talking about this and that after having taken a short trip to a nearby café.

“I’m going to a friend’s place, we’re going to work on that presentation I mentioned,” Phichit chirped, the words a little too rushed. Yuuri’s smile widened as he realised what this might mean.

“Ah, is this the same friend you’ve been sending all those hamster memes to?”

“So what if he is?” Phichit said, his face growing more heated by every passing second, giving away his true feelings. “He’s a  _ friend _ , that’s all!”

“I just think it's funny how I've never met him, that's all,” Yuuri teased, taking a deep gulp from his coffee. “But anyways, it's good to have the place for myself for a while.”

“Oh God, please keep the date with your left hand as your own business, Yuuri, that's disgusting!”

“What! That's not what I meant at all!” Yuuri shrieked, and aimed his plastic spoon towards Phichit, who sadly managed to dodge. “You’re just trying to change the topic!”

“I'm not just trying, I’m succeeding,” Phichit smirked, making Yuuri shake his head in defeat.

“Yeah, right.”

And so when Friday came and Phichit left for his friend’s place (not after being teased endlessly by Yuuri), the japanese man could finally settle himself to his bed. His whole body was shivering with anticipation, and it took him longer than usual to make him calm down.

*

“Viktor?”

After having woken up in his dreamland and not immediately been smothered by the russian man, Yuuri hadn’t been alarmed. He had taken his time stretching out and walking around the field towards the cabin, playing fetch with an energetic Vicchan for a while.

But as he checked inside the cabin, only to find it empty as well, his shoulders dropped. Viktor was not waiting there for him.

_ But… Didn’t we promise we’d meet today? _

Yuuri sighed, standing at the perch idly as he wondered what he could do now. He had really wanted to see his boyfriend, and now he wasn’t there. 

In the end, Yuuri waited for Viktor for hours, absentmindedly playing fetch with Vicchan as his limbs slowly grew more and more numb. He could not believe Viktor would just leave him waiting without a good reason.

_ But what could have happened to make him not be able to come? _

The images of Viktor fighting for his life in some faraway hospital made Yuuri’s heart lurch painfully in his chest. He pushed the thought away immediately, deciding to wake himself up before anything bad would happen.

Yuuri opened his eyes slowly, and stayed in his bed, unable to fall asleep. He spend the entire night reassuring himself that Viktor was okay, that nothing bad had happened to him.

_ It’s not like this is his first time disappearing, isn’t it? _

Yuuri sighed, unable to shake the worry off of his shoulders as the morning sun begun creeping inside the room behind the curtains.

_ I hope everything’s okay… _

*

At first, Yuuri wasn’t too concerned when he didn’t see Viktor the next day either. He had calmed down enough, knowing that being in a coma didn’t guarantee he would be able to be in a lucid dream all the time, and it sometimes took several days where he wasn’t around.

But when a week had passed since Yuuri had last seen Viktor, the weak mental barrier he had build for himself began to grumble. What made him most scared was the fact that there was absolutely nothing he could do to meet the man, to even ask him if he was okay. The image of Viktor lying motionless in some distant hospital bed, fighting for his life, made Yuuri nearly vomit from the pain the thought brought onto him.

It didn’t take Phichit long to take note on Yuuri’s lost appetite and concentration, and so when the second week since he’d last seen Viktor neared its end, he sat his friend down on the couch with a stern look on his face.

“Either you tell me what’s wrong or I’ll call Mari!” Phichit’s tone left no room for arguments, and Yuuri deflated against the couch cushions in defeat. It was as if all the strength had been sucked out of his body, leaving behind nothing more than the dull ache Viktor’s disappearance had evoked in him.

Yuuri tried to open his mouth, but closed it when he realised there was no sound coming out. He stared at the coffee table blankly, his mind a fog of emotions he couldn’t decipher.

“Yuuri?” there was concern in his roommate’s tone, but Yuuri just shrugged, suddenly feeling as if he might burst to tears if he tried opening his mouth again. He had no idea why, but his chest was heavy, his hands feeling like noodles lying there on his sides.

“Yuuri, is there something wrong?”

Yuuri shook his head frantically, his lips quivering as he hiccuped, barely managing to drag his hands to his face to hide the painful expression that had crept against his features. The sorrow inside him radiated all over his body, his breathing growing quicker and more frantic by the minute, and all Yuuri could think was how  _ unfair  _ life was.

“Yuuri,” Phichit dropped himself to the couch next to Yuuri without the man even noticing. When he saw his friend’s shaking hands and the stray of tears streaming down his neck, Phichit wasted no time wrapping his hands around the fragile body, his heart clenching in his chest when he felt the urge to help his friend in any way, to ease his pain and tell him it was all going to be okay.

“Yuuri, breathe,” Phichit sounded desperate, and Yuuri just barely heard his words. He just about understood there was someone sitting next to him, but his mind was too clouded to even begin to care who it was.

“Yuuri!” Phichit’s embrace on his best friend’s body tightened, tears of his own threatening to spill, and he had to force his voice to stay even. “Breathe with me, okay? I - inhale, please, Yuuri… Exhale in five, now! Good, Yuuri, inhale again, please breathe with me…”

Slowly, ever so slowly, Phichit managed to make Yuuri’s breathing even again, but it take them a little longer to stop him from shaking. Phichit kept his hands wrapped around him, whispering kind words to his ears while occasionally rubbing circles to his sides. When Yuuri felt he’d calmed down enough, he opened his eyes, slowly as his eyelids were nearly glued together from all the tears.

“Do you feel better?” Phichit’s voice was carefree and soft, but Yuuri knew he was shaken by the sudden outburst.

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri shook his head, and another wave of sobs escaped from his mouth. He felt like the most horrible friend ever, having lied and kept secrets from the one who had been nothing but kind to him the whole time.

“It’s okay, Yuuri,” Phichit assured him, continuing to rub his shoulders to help him calm down. “I just want you to know that I’m here, you can tell me everything. It’s not healthy to bottle things up, right?”

Yuuri nodded softly, knowing that his friend was right. He couldn’t keep on trying to handle everything alone, not like this at least. And above everything, Phichit deserved to know the truth.

He took a deep breath, picking his nails as he refused to look at Phichit, afraid of the reaction his words might stir in him. “It’s just… Please, promise me you won’t get mad at me, okay?”

Phichit tensed by the pleading in Yuuri’s voice, but soon relaxed and nodded, leaning his head against Yuuri’s in a comforting way. “Of course not, I would ever get mad at you. Well, only if you don’t insult King and The Skater, that is.”

He chuckled softly at his own joke, and Yuuri found his lips twitching, too. He was inexplicably grateful for his friend.

“Phichit, you know I love you?”

Phichit frowned. “Of course I know that! And I love you too.”

Yuuri nodded, looking at his chipped nails and wondering if he should shorten them. “It’s just… I promised you I wouldn’t see Viktor again…”

“Yuuri,” Phichit gasped, just barely managing to keep the disbelief out of his voice. “Don’t tell me -”

“I didn’t plan to!” Yuuri was quick to defend himself, blushing from how loud the words came from his mouth. “It’s just - I wasn’t planning on it, I really wasn’t! But I had an accidental lucid dream, and then he was there and - and then I, I really didn’t mean to, but one thing led to another and - Phichit, promise me you won’t get angry?”

Phichit was holding his breath through Yuuri’s rambling, and released it all in one long, exasperated gasp when Yuuri turned his pleading eyes toward his friend, his breath hitching in his throat when he saw the sullen face Phichit was wearing.

“I promise I won’t be angry, but I can’t promise you I won’t judge you.”

“Fair enough,” Yuuri muttered, and praised himself to tell him what exactly he had been doing with Viktor. “About over a month ago, I took him, Viktor I mean, to Japan.”

“Why?”

Yuuri shrugged, not wanting to tell him the whole truth. “I wanted him to see the sakura’s blossoming.” He left out the part where they had visited the onsen, and how the main reason of him taking Viktor there had been so that he could see the place where Yuuri had grown up. It wasn’t lying, per se, more like choosing which parts of the truth he could tell and which to leave in the dark.

Phichit looked skeptical, but didn’t comment on it other than raising one eyebrow. Yuuri willed himself not to blush at all under his friend’s scrutinising gaze, and carried on as if he hadn’t just  _ not _ lied to his best friend.

“And,” his voice was quivering, his heartbeat quickened as he prepared himself for the inevitable as he admissed. “And now Viktor’s  _ gone _ .”

Phichit’s face was blank for a full second. “What do you mean by that?”

“He’s gone!” Yuuri repeated, his voice thick as he fought the swirling emotions inside himself from spilling everywhere. “He promised me we’d meet last weekend and he  _ wasn’t there _ , Phichit… He - he made me promise to not see him, but how can I not worry - Phichit, he is in a  _ coma _ ! What do I do, Phichit, I feel so stupid and useless -”

Phichit pressed his palm to Yuuri’s mouth, effectively shutting his frantic monologue off. Yuuri’s breath hitched in his throat, and he found out that his whole body was shaking tremendously.

“Please Yuuri, slow down,” Phichit sounded worried, his expression matching his tone perfectly. “It’s hard to understand what has happened if you don’t calm down first.”

“I - I need to see Viktor,” Yuuri whispered. Phichit shook his head, motioning for Yuuri to stay put as he walked to the kitchen.

“What you need is some food and hydration in your system, and then we can continue,” he said and grabbed some water and yogurt for Yuuri, who reluctantly accepted them, taking a deep gulp from the bottle before setting it on the coffee table.

“So,” Phichit hesitated, biting his bottom lip between his teeth anxiously. “If you feel like you’ve calmed down, you can continue. But don’t rush this time!”

Yuuri nodded, and began to explain everything to Phichit. He told him how he’d kissed Viktor, how he’d realised his feelings had already developed into something too big for him to ignore. He told him about the time he’d spend with Viktor, and how much more alive he’d felt whenever he was with him. Phichit listened eagerly, nodding along and giving the occasional question, never asking Yuuri to hurry up or slow down.

When it was time for him to tell that Viktor had disappeared, Yuuri hesitated. He hadn’t yet told Phichit that Viktor was in a coma, as he felt it was a personal issue, but he knew without telling him, it would seem odd he’d be reacting so strongly about it.

“And then he disappeared?” Phichit urged Yuuri to continue. “How long has it been since?”

Yuuri shook his head. “That’s not even it, Phichit.”

Suddenly, Yuuri felt exhausted to the bone. It had been ages since he’d gotten a proper night’s sleep, and it was beginning to creep up on him. He shoot his friend and antagonised face, not having the energy to even cry as he let the truth slip between his lips.

“He’s in a coma.”

Phichit inhaled sharply, his eyes swelling with tears as he launched himself on top of Yuuri. “Oh, Yuuri,” he sobbed, and all Yuuri could do was bear his weight. “How are you feeling?”

“I don’t even know anymore,” Yuuri answered truthfully. “It’s just… It’s exactly what you told me not to do. I shouldn’t have gotten too attached. But I just couldn’t help it, you know?”

Yuuri sighed, staring at the ceiling as he wondered if there even had ever been a possibility that he could’ve let go of Viktor. “It just hurts so much, Phichit…”

“Oh, Yuuri,” Phichit sobbed, his voice mumbled as he refused to lift his head up from Yuuri’s neck where he was pressed. “That means you’ve found real love… I hate to see you suffer, I hate it so much…”

“You know what?” Yuuri said as he hugged his friend back, finding comfort in comforting him. “I thought at some point that I was ready to have all the sleep paralysis in the world if that meant I could spend even a minute with Viktor.”

“Have you been seeing them these last few days?” Phichit asked, finally lifting his eyes to meet Yuuri’s. When Yuuri refused to answer, Phichit pursed his lips together. If Yuuri had had any energy left, he would’ve laughed at how cute his face looked, all puffy from crying but still trying to hold a scolding look.

“You’re going to use the sleeping pills from now on,” Phichit said, and Yuuri had no use in arguing. He nodded weakly after Phichit promised to help him after he’d gotten his sleeping schedule back to at least somewhat healthy.

“It’s going to be alright, Yuuri.”

*

The talk with Phichit managed to calm Yuuri down for about a week. But when he realised it has been over half a month since he’d last seen his boyfriend, Yuuri’s worry took a head dive into the dangerous waters of panic infused anxiety.

He stopped going to school when he found he couldn’t concentrate on what the teachers were saying, and stopped eating when he found out everything tasted like ash. Phichit tried his everything to take his mind out of Viktor, but in the end Yuuri locked himself up inside his room to spend hours trying to reach out for his boyfriend.

Phichit had to break down his door after Yuuri had a panic attack, having been through and endless stream of nightmares and sleep paralysis after his distorted mind had failed to enter a lucid dream time after time. Yuuri was left feeling exhausted to the bone, but the only thing in his mind was the thought of the possibility that Viktor might be  _ dead _ .

“This cannot continue, Yuuri,” Phichit said to him as Yuuri sobbed into his shoulder on the couch. “You’ll end up harming yourself if we let this go on.”

“But Viktor -”

“How can you find Viktor if you continue to be in this state?” Phichit sounded desperate, and Yuuri’s heart clenched when he saw the dark patches under his eyes. “Yuuri, I know he means a lot to you, but it’s no use destroying your health in a vain attempt of trying to reach him. You must take care of yourself first!”

“I can’t!” Yuuri’s voice echoed in the living room, but he was too tired to care. “I can’t just sit here and do nothing while Viktor might be  _ dying  _ out there!”

“But that doesn’t mean -”

“I know!” Yuuri cried, blinking rapidly as his eyes swelled with new tears. He took a deep breath before slumping against the couch and dropping his head to his knees. “But I can’t - I  _ promised  _ him I wouldn’t -”

“I will go to Russia with you.”

Yuuri froze on the couch, his mouth falling open as his sleep deprived brain tried to comprehend what exactly his friend had said to him.

“What did you say?” Yuuri’s heart was pounding, the seed of hope having been planted inside his heart.

Phichit smiled at him. “Doesn’t that solve your problem? If you tell Viktor it was I who took you to see him, you haven’t broken the promise, right?”

“But what about the money -”

“You don’t need to worry about it, I have some savings,” Phichit smiled, patting Yuuri’s head softly. “Besides, it’s not as if I hadn’t been thinking of this ever since you told me about Viktor’s situation. To me, there’s really no downside in a little trip to Moscow. God knows it’d do us both good to get out of Detroit for a while.”

Yuuri was at loss for words. He shook his head, unable to prevent the small smile from breaking to his face. He launched himself to Phichit’s arms, hugging him tightly while chanting an endless stream of ‘thank you’s’ into his friends ears.

Phichit chuckled, his grin widening when he saw how elated Yuuri looked. It had been such a long time since he’d last seen his friend smile, and he’d almost forgotten how soothing it was.

“No need to thank me yet, feel free to do that once we’ve made sure your loverboy is alright.”

Yuuri just shook his head, tightening his arms around Phichit as the spark of hope inside of him strengthened.

_ Viktor, I’m coming for you! _

*

The airport was buzzing with the sounds of people rushing in and out. Yuuri held tight onto his luggage as he followed Phichit towards the entrance, unable to calm his beating heart. The flight from Detroit to Russia had taken hours, but Yuuri wasn’t tired in the slightest even though he hadn’t been able to take a nap on the plane.

Phichit, on the other hand, had spend most of the flight asleep. He was full of energy, pulling Yuuri around the station while trying to find the exit and the cheapest uber to drive them to their hotel, all the while chatting loudly about anything that sparked his interest.

They stepped outside into the parking lot, Phichit stepping in to chat with the driver while Yuuri settled himself into the back seat, checking his phone quickly. It was already half past seven in the evening, and Yuuri felt restless. He wanted to see Viktor as quickly as possible, but he had promised to Phichit they wouldn’t rush but wait until they had gotten used to the time difference before looking for the man.

“You’re alright there?” Phichit’s head popped from the front seat after he’d stepped inside the car, a radiating smile on his face when Yuuri nodded his answer. “Great! It shouldn’t be more than twenty minutes to the hotel.”

The drive passed on without much hassle. Phichit kept chatting with the driver, who responded eagerly although his English was broken and heavily accented. Yuuri felt content just listening to them talking about everything from the weather to the living conditions in Detroit in comparison to Moscow.

“Thank you very much!” Phichit bowed shortly for the driver, who laughed and helped them carry their luggages to the lounge, waving goodbye before returning back to his car. After he had gone, Phichit clasped his hands together and grinned at Yuuri.

“Let’s go!”

The clerk by the desk looked them up and down before turning his nose up, sneering when he gave Phichit their key. Yuuri made a mental note to lock his belongings before leaving the place, the cracks on the wall and the suspiciously greenish tarnish on the ceiling giving him the impression this place didn’t have the highest quality on pretty much anything.

“Well, think about all the money we saved by booking this place,” Phichit chirped, grabbing Yuuri’s arm and pulling him towards the elevator. “Still better than nothing, right?”

Yuuri hummed in response, his stomach lurching the more he thought about how  _ tomorrow _ he’d meet him for real.

Phichit opened the door to their room, and helped Yuuri carry their bags inside. It was a tiny room with only one double bed on one corner and a small table with chairs on the other, but it was more than enough for them. Yuuri clicked the lights on while Phichit jumped onto the bed, groaning when he found it was nowhere as near as soft as the one back home.

“Well, I don’t know what I was expecting to be honest…”

As they were settling inside the room, Yuuri’s phone suddenly buzzed in his pocket. He frowned when he looked at the ‘unknown’ caller ID, but answered before he could even worry about the expenses.

“Yuuri Katsuki,” he whispered, already regretting ever answering. He usually ignored all the calls he got, but somehow he’d been too distracted emotionally to even realise what he was doing.

“Hey! I’m just checking in about the competition next week,” it was Yuuri’s art teacher. “Would you be able to come to school some time before the weekend so that we could go over what exactly is expected of you?”

“Uhm, I guess it's okay…”

Yuuri tried to keep the conversation short, but the teacher rambled on and on about this and that, and by the time he was able to press the ‘end call’ button, he had gotten himself quite the bill. 

“Gosh, he really is such a pain,” Yuuri muttered before tossing his phone on the bed. He sat down, staring at Phichit who was currently painting his nails yellow on the floor. 

_ Ah, I wish Viktor would be here… _

He thought of how it would feel when he'd finally see the man for real, as a living and breathing human being and not only a dream creature. 

_ But what if he doesn’t wake up… _

The thought made Yuuri afraid. It was the core of him being there in the first place, as he believed they would share some kind of magical fairytale moment where he would meet Viktor, maybe kiss him, and the he’d wake up and they’d live happily ever after. He was in denial of any other possibilities, as there was no way Viktor would not react after seeing him. He knew deep down inside that Viktor would wake up once they met, and the thought had been burning inside him with such rage he knew it must be real.

“Yuuri?”

Suddenly hearing his friend’s voice made Yuuri snap his head up, and he blushed lightly when he saw the concern on Phichit’s face. “Did you say something?” he asked, rubbing his neck apologetically as Phichit shook his head.

“I asked if you wanted to try out if Russian takeaway food is worthy of our delicate palate?” there was a hint of laughter behind his words, and Yuuri relaxed before nodding.

“Well, it can’t be as bad as the food-poisoning we got from our visit to Florida, can it?” Yuuri joked back.

Phichit made some gagging sounds, and soon they were both laughing on the bed. The rest of the evening went by with tasting some Russian pizza and joking around, and soon enough Yuuri decided it was late enough for them to go sleeping.

“Don’t forget the sleeping pills,” Phichit shouted from the restroom, and Yuuri obediently fished out the bottle from his bag. He had been taking them ever since he’d told Phichit about Viktor’s situation, albeit a little reluctantly.

As he closed his eyes, Yuuri thought of how soon enough he would see his boyfriend, and it would all be well again.

*

The hospital was a huge, grey building rising amidst the rainy city. Yuuri and Phichit had had to take two buses to get there, their motel being inconveniently located at the other side of the massive city. Phichit had joked about the possibility of Viktor not even being located there, which had earned a smack from Yuuri. 

As they neared the entrance, Yuuri took a deep breath. He gazed at the buzzing building, and took the first step inside the hospital, the thought of seeing Viktor making his steps lighter

As he walked behind Phichit through the spinning glass doors and made his way to the counter, he wondered if there even was anyone speaking English here. He was utterly grateful for Phichit’s presence.

Yuuri fidgeted by the counter for a minute, gathering up the courage to speak up. The clerk was an elderly woman with stern look on her face Yuuri played with the hem of his shirt as he lifted his eyes, already blushing as he coughed softly. “Uhm, excuse me, but I’m looking for-”

“We’re looking for a man called Viktor Nikiforov,” Phichit finished his sentence for him when he saw Yuuri’s voice getting more and more quiet the more the clerk lady stared at him. “He’s a friend of ours, it’s been ages since we’ve last seen him!”

“Room A503, floor 6” the woman said after flipping through the file in front of her. “The visiting hours end at three o’clock sharp.”

Phichit showered her with thanks before he took Yuuri’s hand and guided him towards the elevators, wanting to get as far away from the glaring old lady as possible.

He pushed the button to take him to the fifth floor, and Yuuri let himself sigh, looking at his reflection on the mirror. He looked decent, the button-up shirt and black jeans casual but still formal enough to leave a good first impression when Viktor would wake up.

“It’ll be okay,” Phichit reassured him when he saw the nervousness in Yuuri’s posture. Yuuri could only nod, and take a deep breath when they reached the right floor, stepping out when the elevator doors pinged open.

They walked through the long corridor, passing a few nurses and one man in a wheelchair muttering in a deep voice in russian, the smell of sanitizer piercing his nose as he carefully inched closer to Viktor’s room.

They arrived to the door, Yuuri’s heart beating out of his chest as he slowed down when he neared the doorway. He stayed there for a long while, mentally preparing himself to see Viktor lying motionless on the bed, not responding to his presence in any way.

Phichit squeezed his hand, and Yuuri closed his eyes. “It’ll be okay. I’ll be right here with you.”

Yuuri nodded, counting to ten before stepping into the room, his heart drumming in his chest as he slowly let his eyes open.

The room was an average sized, with only one bed at the left corner by the window, a large vase with a yucca tree by the door to Yuuri’s right, but any of these weren’t what made him stop on his track.

The breath he released was disjointed, his eyes widening as he took in the man lying on the bed. The slim body had sunken to the mattress, the hospital gown hanging on him two sizes too big. The IV taped to his left arm made the lump in Yuuri’s throat tighten, and he reached his hand towards the skeletal, slender fingers laying on the white sheets, the slight greyness of the skin making Yuuri tear up.

The most shocking thing to him was, surprising even to himself, was Viktor’s hair. It wasn’t the long, luscious locks Yuuri had gotten used to, but fairly short, lacking its usual, healthy shine. Yuuri leaned forward to gently wipe the bangs framing his hollow face, pressing his lips ever so softly against Viktor’s forehead, not able to prevent the tears when he felt the paper thin, cold skin against his mouth.

_ My Viktor… _

“Yuuri,” Phichit’s voice startled Yuuri, and he shook his head in disbelief, His voice cracking before he even could say aloud what he’d been thinking.

“Why is he -”

Yuuri swallowed, unable to tear his eyes off the fragile body on the bed as soft tears fell down his face. “His hair… Why is it so - so short…”

Phichit placed his hand to Yuuri’s shoulder, squeezing it firmly. “He’s been in a coma for years, Yuuri. It’s no wonder - it’s only reasonable they’d cut his hair.”

“He looks so thin…”

Phichit was about to open his mouth, but they heard a crash from behind them just then. As they turned, a pair of nurses stepped inside the room, stopping to stare at the two boys standing next to Viktor’s bed.

The one closer to them asked them something in Russia, and Phichit hurried to tell her they didn’t speak the language. She frowned, but luckily the other nurse seemed to understand English, as she stepped forward and nodded at them.

“I’m sorry, are you Viktor’s friends?”

“We are!” Phichit’s voice wasn’t as cheerful as usual, but Yuuri was still astounded by how quickly he was able to recover from the shock seeing Viktor had set.  _ Or maybe it wasn’t as huge a shock to him. _

“I’m glad. He rarely has any visitors,” the nurse continued, and stepped forward. Yuuri and Phichit made room for her as she went to check Viktor’s condition. Yuuri’s stomach dropped after hearing his words, and he couldn’t stop himself from asking:

“What do you mean by that? Doesn’t his parents come to visit him?”

The nurse pursed her lips together. “They do visit, but usually it is around holidays and such. But I don’t blame them, it must be hard to see their son in such a state.”

“Is there - can he -” Yuuri struggled to find words, but the nurse seemed to understand what he was aiming for as her face darkened considerably.

“Well, he’s basically brain dead as it is,” she shook her head in low spirits. “But his parents are wealthy, they pay a huge sum every year to keep him alive and plugged in.”

A lump found its way into Yuuri’s throat. Phichit grabbed his waist as his feet suddenly gave under him, and helped him sit down on the chair by the bedside. Yuuri’s eyes immediately locked onto Viktor’s shrivelled face, fat tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

_ My Viktor… My poor, poor Viktor… _

*

Yuuri waited until he heard Phichit’s snores coming from his side before carefully slipping out of the bed. He had spend the entire visiting hours sitting by Viktor’s side, whispering loving nonsense to him while refusing to let go of his limp hand, squeezing it so tightly Phichit had been afraid he would break his bones. Yuuri hadn’t cared, as all he could concentrate was Viktor.

He had hoped that his presence would’ve evoked something in Viktor, would’ve made him start to stir from the heavy sleep he was in, but nothing had happened. In the end, Phichit had had to manhandle Yuuri out of the hospital.

Now, Yuuri tiptoed to the bathroom, closing the door before putting the lights on. He stared at his reflection on the cracked mirror, not even flinching at how  _ old _ he looked. He touched his cheeks, feeling a wave of unreality about the whole situation. It was as if his body wasn’t his, the face in the mirror being those of stranger’s instead of his own.

_ How long has it been since I’ve last looked into a mirror, for real? _

Yuuri sighed, screwing his eyes shut as if that way he would escape the man in the mirror. It proved counterproductive, as the second he shut his eyes, the image of Viktor’s withered corpse flashed through his mind, as vivid as he really was there.

He gasped, and immediately brought his hands to his mouth, afraid to wake Phichit. He stayed still for a long moment, trying and failing to catch his breath. After what felt like an eternity, Yuuri opened his eyes, squinting in the bright light for a moment before releasing his hands from his mouth, taking a step towards the sink.

His eyes landed on the bottle of pills he had left on the counter. His heartbeat picked up as he stared at them, a new idea, a  _ terrible  _ idea flashing through his mind.

_ He’s basically brain dead as it is… _

“Yuuri?” Phichit’s voice came from the room, and Yuuri’s head snapped towards the door.

“I’m coming,” he said softly, clicking the lights off after taking one last glance at the bottle before slipping back to the room.

He settled back under the covers, letting Phichit wrap his arms around him tightly. He stared at the dark ceiling, counting the seconds until Phichit fell asleep again. When he heard the snores echoing in the room, he closed his eyes, preparing to slip into a lucid dream.

_ I promised Phichit I wouldn’t _ , he thought as he started emptying his mind.  _ But this will be the last time. _

His mind grew foggy, his heartbeat dropping down drastically and body going limp as he began to drift off. He pictured Viktor as the living, healthy person he knew him, and let out a sigh of relief as the edges of his vision blurred.

_ Viktor, please be there for me. _


	6. Chapter 6

“Yuuri?”

Never had in his life hearing his name said aloud made Yuuri so inexplicably happy as it did now. He shot his eyes open, forcing himself to his feet, not even feeling the usual tingling as he ran towards the sound, his heart aching as he nearly flied through the endless field of flowers to rush into those strong arms he’d been missing for the past eternity.

A dog barked loudly from somewhere to his right, and Yuuri’s heart swelled with emotions. It was all so familiar, all so comforting. The scent of the flowers around him, the warmth of the sun and the distant barking of a dog… It brought him all the way back to the moment he’d first met Viktor all those months ago.

“Viktor!” The scream erupted forcefully from his chest when he saw the slim figure appear in front of him, and he sped up immediately. His heart felt as if it was beating out of his chest as the figure grew closer, and soon enough Yuuri could make out the icy blue of Viktor’s eyes sparkling from beneath the long hair caught up in the wind.

“Yuuri!” Viktor was running towards him, and suddenly time slowed down. The flowers around them shivered as a strong breeze brushed over them, sending petals flying around them as if they were powdered snow falling from the sunny sky.

Yuuri leaped into a jump, and sobbed while his face broke into a grin when he saw Viktor opening his arms to welcome him into the tightest, softest embrace. Yuuri sniffed, holding onto the tall man as if his life depended on it. And in some strange way, it did.

“I missed you so, so much,” Yuuri whispered between the soft kisses he pecked on Viktor’s face.

The silver haired man cupped Yuuri’s cheeks to his hands, and stared at his round, brown eyes. “I missed you too, Yuuri, I missed you more than I’ve ever missed anything.”

Yuuri’s heart fluttered in his chest, and for a long second, nothing happened. They stared into each others eyes, basking in every tiny detail. And then Viktor was leaning in, closing the distance between them.

From all the kisses they had shared together, this was by far the most desperate out of all of them. It was as if they were both out of time, only having a fleeting second to let each other know just how much the other was loved.

When they broke apart, Yuuri’s head was filled with clouds and his body was light. He once again stepped closer to press his head to the crook of Viktor’s neck, his smile widening when he felt Viktor’s arms wrapping around him. For a fleeting moment, he forgot everything else, and all that existed was him and Viktor, as inseparable and unbreakable as if they were the one same person.

But as always, the dreadful truth started gnawing at Yuuri’s insides, making him tear himself apart from the warmth of his beloved. He blinked, inhaling in the musky scent Viktor radiated to the air surrounding them, and lifted his face to look at the man.

His words came out rushed, his voice quivering with guilt, fear and the unavoidable shame. “I’m so sorry Viktor - I - I went to the hospital, Viktor, I saw you, I -”

“It’s okay, Yuuri,” Viktor whispered, his voice thick with emotions, and Yuuri shook when he saw fat tears in the corners of his eyes. Viktor pulled him closer when he tried to step back, shaking his head while letting out a broken laugh. “I’m the one who should apologise, Yuuri… What I did - I should’ve - I should’ve never lied to you…”

Yuuri shook his head. “No, Viktor, you’re not in the wrong at all! It’s just, when I didn’t see you for days I freaked out, I really did, and then Phichit suggested we should come see you and - and  _ Viktor…” _

He took a deep breath, his eyes stinging with all the tears threatening to spill. He struggled to hold them back, especially when he felt Viktor’s hands cupping his cheeks to press a soft kiss to his forehead. “The flight was a torture, I kept thinking what would happen if you were already - if you… And then I saw you lying there and - and  _ Viktor,  _ you - I -”

Viktor swallowed the rest of his words with his mouth when Yuuri began drifting off. Closing his eyes, Yuuri’s head swimmed as he gave the kiss his everything, putting all the emotions he couldn’t convey with words into it.

He opened his eyes, unsurprised to find their bodies taking off of the ground. His grip on Viktor tightened, and when the brown eyes locked in with the blue, he wasn’t afraid in the slightest. Viktor was there with him, and he was ready to explore the universe with him. As they slowly drifted up towards the sky, Yuuri heard Viktor whisper into his ear the words he needed to hear the most.

“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, Yuuri.”

Yuuri hugged him closer to his body, humming contently when Viktor kept muttering words of affection to his ears, pressing soft kisses into his hair.

*

“Come on, Yuuri! We’re going to be so late by this rate,” Phichit’s voice shouted from the hallway. Yuuri took a final glance into the mirror, nodding to himself as he straightened his shirt before hurrying out of the hotel room, nearly knocking the vase off the small table in the corridor as he sped to put on his shoes.

The driver of the cab looked pissed at them, but his mood was quickly lifted once Phichit started apologising to him, even promising a little extra for having waited for them for so long. Yuuri settled himself into the backseat, carefully putting the seat belt on as not to wrinkle his clothes.

The drive went by in a blur. Yuuri stared at the familiar view passing by from his window, a wave of nostalgia so strong settling to his stomach he nearly fell into tears. No matter how many times he’d visited this place in his dreams for the past five years, nothing he created could ever beat reality. Even the water sparkling under the burning sun and the seagulls flying under the few tiny scattered clouds looked more authentic than all of the oceans he could ever dream of.

As the cab drove up the all too familiar hill towards the onsen, Yuuri’s heart leaped in his chest. A warmth he was now able to connect to Viktor flooded inside of him, and he hiccupped when the cab pulled over, three familiar figures greeting them at the porch.

Yuuri wasted no time rushing out of the car, his eyes immediately fixated on the brown ball of fluff in Mari’s arms. He let out a shaky laugh, his feet working on their own as he sped towards his beloved companion he hadn’t properly seen for the past five years.

“Vicchan!” his voice broke, and the way the dog’s ears perked up and he barked made Yuuri’s insides turn upside down. He scooped the dog into his arms, 

Yuuri didn’t even bother wiping off the smile on his face to look more apologetic as he hugged Vicchan closer to his body, pressing a soft kiss between his ears, his sister’s exasperated gaze burning holes into his forehead. He pressed his face onto the fuzzy fur, his voice coming out muffled. “I’m sorry we took so long.”

“ _ You  _ took so long,” Phichit chose that moment to appear at Yuuri’s side, his smile widening as he was pulled into a loving hug by Yuuri’s mother. “ _ I _ was ready ages ago!”

Yuuri threw him a look that meant ‘as if’, but didn’t get to say anything before he too was pulled into a hug by his parents. His breath hitched in his throat and he shivered in the brisk air.

“It doesn’t matter, you’re here now,” Hiroko was beaming, refusing to let go off the boys even when Yuuri was struggling to breathe. She was still beaming when she finally let go, taking a proper look at her son, a radiating smile breaking to her face as she nodded in approval. “Still the most handsome!”

Yuuri laughed awkwardly, his face heating from the embarrassment. Luckily, his father gestured at them to step in, helping Phichit carry their bags to the hallway, refusing to let Yuuri help them. “You go inside, we’ll be there in a minute.”

Yuuri saw no point in arguing with him, and so he followed his mother to the entrance of the onsen. As he stepped inside the hallway, his eyes widening when he saw the painting hanging on the wall right in front of him.

“Oh,” If Yuuri’s face wasn’t flushed before, it sure was now. The painting was the same illustration of the aurora borealis he had entered the competition all those weeks ago. A competition he had completely forgot and had been disqualified for not attending the ceremony.

“How -”

“You can thank Phichit for that one,” Mari weaved past him towards the kitchen, fishing her lighter out of her pocket as she went. Yuuri turned to throw a questioning look at his friend, who just smiled sheepishly at him.

“You told the teacher to burn it for all you cared, so I sneaked inside the classroom and saved it before he could’ve snatched it to his house.”

“It is very beautiful.” There was a gleam in Toshiya’s eyes Yuuri hadn’t seen in ages which made him look ages younger than he really was. Hiroko nodded at his husbands words, her expression not an ounce duller than his husbands. Yuuri felt a lump in his throat as he watched his parents, their undeniable love and support towards him making overflow with emotions.

“I - I’m really sorry I didn’t come visit any sooner.” Yuuri felt small and fragile, the guilt that had been gnawing at him not going away just by seeing his parents happy. “I don’t even have a good excuse.”

“It’s alright,” Hiroko’s voice was stern, but her smile loving when she walked over to wrap Yuuri once again into her arms. “You’re here now.”

And just like that, Yuuri relaxed against his mother’s arms. And slowly, firmly, the pains of the past years dropped off his shoulders like they weighed nothing at all.

*

The bright sun peaking through the blinds made Yuuri squint when he stepped inside the plain room. He made a beeline to the table, carefully changing the flowers in the vase to the ones he brought with him before pulling the curtains on. He was humming to a song Viktor had been singing to him last night, his smile widening when he settled into the chair positioned next to the bed, linking his hands with man lying there as motionless as ever.

It had been months since he’d first visited the hospital, and a lot of things had changed in that time. For the most parts, Viktor looked pretty much the same he had back then, his skin paper thin and grey, his hair short and dull, cheeks hollowed. But it was all on the surface, and Yuuri had already gotten used to it.

“How have you been?” Yuuri asked once the last note of the song had died in his throat. He caressed the frail hand in his palm, digging a book out of his bag with his free hand, his eyes never leaving Viktor’s face. “I had lots of fun last night. A picnic at the riverside was a lovely idea…”

“The doctor said your condition has improved a little. They said… They said that if you keep this up, there might still be a change - a slim change -” Yuuri’s voice quivered as he continued his monologue, his smile never dropping. He took a moment to calm his breath, continuing on rubbing circles to Viktor’s hand, his heart swelling with emotions. “I’m so proud of you, Viktor. We all are.”

The silence was nearly perfect if it wasn’t for the slight peep of the monitors around Viktor’s bed and the occasional echo of footsteps from the hallway. Yuuri took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a second.

He had been visiting for the past few months every moment he could spare. He had even moved to Russia after hearing there was no point transferring Viktor elsewhere with the way his condition was. It had been hard, spending his nights in the flawless dreamland with the man he loved the most, only to wake up to visit the ghostlike shell of the very same man.

He had nearly refused to continue the visits, the pain of seeing Viktor in that state too raw, too real for him to bare. But after the doctor had told him how important it was for coma patients to have their loved ones talking to them, he had swallowed his own discomfort to support Viktor. After a few weeks, he felt weird and ashamed for ever thinking he’d be able to even entertain the possibility of leaving Viktor’s side.

“Okay, how about we continue from where we left off last time?” Yuuri opened the book with one hand, taking his time getting comfortable on the chair before he begun to read the words out loud. His gentle voice seeped into the room, overpowering the humming of the machines.

After Yuuri reached the end of the chapter, he carefully put the bookmark in place before lifting his eyes to the man on the bed, who was as motionless as ever. Yuuri relaxed, his lips curving to a soft smile as he leaned closer. He pressed a kiss to Viktor’s forehead, lingering on the contact on the cold skin, hoping for the umpteenth time to have magical powers to wake his lover up with a kiss.

But just like every other time, nothing happened. But Yuuri’s smile didn’t leave his face for a second, and after a few minutes he finally retracted, leaving the room before the nurses would come to make their rounds. At the doorway, he took one last glance at Viktor, whispering a quiet goodbye.

“We’ll see tomorrow, Viktor. I’ll bring a new book.”

*

For as long as he could remember, Yuuri Katsuki had been a dreamer. From the first time he saw a lucid dream to the hundreth, he had immediately been addicted to dreaming. The mere idea of having a world of his own, just for him to shape and play with as he pleased, was enough to make him forget everything else around him.

Only now, after having reached the age of twenty four, Yuuri understood the importance of the difference between dreams and reality. He knew how easy it was to get lost on the treacherous dreams, and how hard real life would be once you got too used to the sweet illusion your mind created for you.

But he also knew that living without dreams wasn’t really living at all.

“Yuuri?”

The sound of Viktor’s voice startled Yuuri out of his thoughts, and he was met with the concerned face of his lover, surrounded by the sparkling sunlight peeking through the leaves of the birches and aspens all around them. The forest they had chosen to explore today was straight from a fairytale, but to Yuuri, what made it magical was Viktor in his white clothes, shining like an elven god with his aura of beauty and grace.

Yuuri smiled barely noticeably, tracing his fingers along the silvery braid resting on Viktor’s shoulder as the man pulled him closer. “I should put some flowers into the braid. Don’t you think it would look nice?”

“Is everything okay?” Viktor whispered the question into Yuuri’s ear as he lowered his head to trace soft kisses along his nape. Yuuri pressed his face into his shoulder, revelling in the softness of the moment. Oh, what he would give to be able to spend the rest of his life like this.

His voice was barely above a whisper when he finally opened his mouth. “Yeah, everything’s fine. I was just thinking…”

Viktor hugged him closer, nuzzling his face to his cheek in an attempt of cheering his boyfriend up. Yuuri chuckled when he Viktor’s nose tickling against his skin. “Good thoughts I hope? Or do I have to kiss the bad ones away?”

The laugh that left Yuuri’s mouth was a genuine one when Viktor pulled him to the ground, wrapping him into a cuddle in the soft, tall grass. He closed his eyes, content to just staying there. “It’s okay. But you can still kiss me~”

And Viktor did exactly that, kissed Yuuri until he forgot all the dark thoughts in his mind, leaving only the dreams behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, this is the end then... Feels weird to part from a project that has taken me a while to see through. Although there are quite a few things I'm not satisfied with in this, I'm still very happy I managed to write it. It's nowhere near perfect, but it is finished and I love it very much.
> 
> Now, I hope I'll soon have time to start reading all the wonderful works people have created for this bang, I've seen the artworks for some and they've all been beautiful <3 it was amazing to be a part of this wonderful event ^^
> 
> I'd also like to thank all of you who have taken the time to read this little story. It's my second finished multichapter fic, and first one to reach over 30k words. I cherish all the lovely comments, and seeing the emails that someone has left this work a kudos never fail to make me cry of joy. Sharing my writing continues to be a struggle, but seeing the positive reaction really motivates me to carry on.
> 
> Thank you all, you are amazing <3


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